


tell my love (to wreck it all)

by tikitaka (pinktrixie)



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: #communicationissues, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, watch these two compete for the biggest dumbass award, while they're both entirely and completely in love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-06-02 12:08:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 28,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19441174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinktrixie/pseuds/tikitaka
Summary: ashlyn loves ali with all her heart unashamedly. ali loves ashlyn, she really does, but she doesn't realize that until it's maybe too late.in the wake of the 2011 world cup, they find themselves at a crossroads.*based on the speculation that ali and ashlyn broke up/had a break in the fall of 2011*





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> title from "skinny love"

_ chapter one.  _

It was over. The US had lost. To Japan. 

Ashlyn stared at the TV in front of her as Abby gave a little speech about how Japan deserved the win and had a tough year. That they would be back in four years. But Ashlyn wasn’t paying attention to the striker. She was looking for number 11. Amongst the confetti and smiling Japanese players and crying American players, Ashlyn had eyes for one person alone. 

Her heart ached as the camera briefly scanned over the brunette as she wrapped an arm around Heather, tears streaming down both their faces. All she wanted was to pull her girlfriend into a hug. But she was stuck in Buffalo of all places while her team was in Germany. Not that it really was  _ her  _ team. But she loved each of those players with all her heart. (Well, maybe one more than others.) 

Someone clapped her on the shoulder and said, “Tough game.” She turned to acknowledge the man behind her, an Abby Wambach jersey stretched over his gut. “Penalties are kinda bullshit, aren’t they?” 

“You have no idea, buddy.” 

She shrugged his hand off her shoulder, needing to leave the crowded room and make a phone call. 

As she left, she rang Ali once, twice, but she didn’t pick up. Not that she expected her to, but she just wanted to make sure Ali knew she was there. 

_ Ali [8:11 PM]:  _ Hey babe, i’m so so sorry. you played so well. i’m so proud of you. lots of love <3 

She had to turn off the radio in her car as the announcer moaned the woes of the World Cup and the American defeat at the hands of the underdogs. The look of heartbreak in Ali’s eyes, even from across an ocean, was too much for Ash’s heart. It tugged at her. 

As she pulled into her driveway, her phone buzzed. Ash fumbled it out of her pocket, nearly dropping it. If Ali had been there, she definitely would have made some dorky joke about her being a goalkeeper. But Ali wasn’t there. She was thousands of miles away. 

“Hey Al,” 

xx 

Ali had followed the rest of the team back in a sort of numb state. Cap had pulled her to the side in the hotel lobby and told her to keep her chin up, that she was young and had played well. 

“Thanks, Cap.” Her voice sounded raspy and tired even to her own ears. “It means a lot coming from you.” 

“2015 will be our year for the World Cup, okay?” Christie cupped Ali’s chin in her hand, drawing her red-rimmed eyes up to her own. “And don’t forget the Olympics. This might feel like the end, but it isn’t.” 

Ali nodded, swallowing hard and not quite trusting herself to speak in that moment. Christie smiled softly, the lines around her eyes that had slowly become more pronounced crinkling. “I’m, yeah, next year’s the Olympics and then 2015, we’ll be back.”

“Exactly, don’t beat yourself up, Kriegs. You played fantastic.” 

A lump formed in her throat that she had to swallow down. “Um, yeah, you too, Cap. It means a lot.” 

“Okay, kiddo. Go on now, drown your sorrows in the shower and have a cheat day.” Cap pulled her into a quick hug that Ali admittedly froze in the middle of. “I know, I know, not a hugger.” 

A blush flushed Ali’s cheeks as Christie gave her another quick squeeze before joining the other senior team members. Ali shifted her shoulder on her bag, watching as the veteran players lingered in the hotel lobby. 

HAO met her gaze from where she was chatting with Alex and nodded towards the elevator. The pair met up, Ali leaning slightly onto Heather’s shoulder. 

“Right side, strong side?” Ali mumbled as the elevator started moving. 

“Right side, strong side. 2012 is gonna be our year. And then 2015 is gonna be our year. It’s not your fault, you know?” Heather tugged on Ali’s elbow towards their shared room. As they walked towards their room, they found Kelley and Tobin sat outside Kelley’s room. 

“The hall’s the place to be, apparently,” joked Ali, a watery smile coming to her lips. 

“Hope’s in there,” Tobin said in explanation. There was a loud crash as if on cue. “She’s a bit,” Tobin paused, “upset.” 

“A bunch of people are downstairs if you don’t wanna be sitting in the hall.” 

“S’okay,” Kelley said, shrugging a shoulder. In that moment, Ali was struck by how young Kelley was. She has only a couple of years younger than Ali, but she was barely out of college, still practically a baby. 

“We’re just gonna be in our room, so you can come hang with us?” Heather offered, but the other two turned her down, happy to wallow in the hallway while one of the greatest women’s keepers to ever play trashed a hotel room. 

“Do you mind if I shower?” Ali asked as they both tossed their stuff on the ground. She tugged her phone out of her bag, barely glancing at the many notifications clogging the screen. 

One in particular caught her eye. 

_ Ash [8:11 PM]:  _ Hey babe, i’m so so sorry. you played so well. i’m so proud of you. lots of love <3

She suppressed a groan, dropping her phone on her bed before retreating into the small hotel bathroom. She let the shower run as hot as it could, practically scalding her skin. Every moment from the game flashed before her eyes as she pressed her hands to the ceramic tiles. Every mistake she made, every bad touch. It was burned into memory. 

Eventually, HAO knocked on the door and told her she had to get out. Ali wasn’t sure how much time it had been, but not nearly long enough. 

She tugged on a pair of old sweatpants and a UNC shirt that was definitely Ash’s and managed to bring a smile to Heather. 

“You should call your girlfriend, Al.” 

“Huh?” 

“Call Ashlyn. I just talked to Dave and it helped. Want food?” 

“I’m okay, but you should order some.” 

“I’ll get you a sandwich too.” HAO shot her a grin before motioning to her abandoned phone. 

Ali collapsed back on the bed, opening Ash’s message and calling her. Ash, of course, answered on the first ring practically. 

_ “Hey Al, _ ” Ash sounded almost breathless, breathing her name into the phone. 

Tears that Ali didn’t even know she still had sprung to her eyes. “Ash…” 

_ “I know, babe, I saw.”  _

Ali choked back a sob, vaguely away of Heather on the phone with room service. “It just… I don’t even know. We had it, you know. And we blew it.” 

_ “Penalties are hard. It’s just luck.”  _

“I had the next one. And you know what, I was almost hoping…” Ali cut herself off, unable to finish the thought. “I just wanted this so badly.” 

There was silence on the other end. Ali wanted to bite her tongue. Of course, Ashlyn knew. She wanted this too and didn’t even get to Germany.  _ “The next one, princess.” _

“And you’ll be here too.”

_ “Try and stop me.”  _ There was a loud noise on Ashlyn’s side.  _ “Sorry, just walking into my house.”  _

Ali curled up on her side, the phone pinned between her ear and the pillow. “Can we Skype?” 

_ “Sure, babe. Give me a second.”  _ Ali closed her eyes slightly as she listened to Ashlyn moving around in New York.  _ “‘Kay, I’ll hang up and call you on Skype.”  _

As she waited for the video call, she rolled onto her back to chat with Heather. “Food all ordered?” 

“It took me and Hans a minute to understand each other, but hopefully he’ll have my soup and fries.” 

Ali chuckled, “Wow, fries, living on the edge.” 

“I don’t plan on doing much tomorrow. And what Dawn doesn’t know, won’t hurt her, right, Kriegs?” 

Ali held her hands up in defeat. “Don’t worry, I won’t rat you out as long as you give me some of those fries.” They were cut off by the telltale Skype ring, which Ali was quick to answer. “Hey, babe.” Ashlyn’s smiling face appeared in her screen, practically filling the whole screen. 

Ash’s eyes swept over what small part of Ali she could see, a twinkle in her eye. “Is that a UNC shirt I see? Tar!” 

“Heels!” finished HAO, leaning next to Ali to say hello. “We’ll convert her yet. No more of this Penn State stuff.” 

Ali rolled her eyes. “Should I just leave you two alone to discuss the glory days?” 

“Aw, babe, are you jealous?” Ash’s smile was almost blinding and Alis’s heart already began to feel lighter. Ali squinted at the bit of a jersey visible in the picture. 

“You’re wearing my jersey!” 

“Of course, I wouldn’t wear anybody else’s.” 

“Ouch,” moaned Heather from her bed, currently clicking through the German language channels available. “You’re breaking my heart, Harris.” 

Ashlyn chuckled, settling back against her couch. “I’m afraid my heart belongs to only one woman, right, princess?” 

Ali swallowed, Ash’s words catching in her throat. Ash had been so free and open in her affections, but for some reason, Ali just couldn’t quite meet her at that level. There was something holding her back. Maybe it was the distance. Maybe it was as Ali feared, and she wasn’t able to ever love Ash as much as Ash loved her. 

“It’s Pinoe, isn’t it? I don’t blame you.” Ali played it off with a joke, ignoring the brief flash of sadness in Ashlyn’s eyes. “She is pretty great.” 

“Aren’t you funny, Alex? Ha. Ha.” 

“I was pondering a career change to a comedian. So glad you’d approve.” Ali ran a hand through her damp hair, brushing it away from her eyes. 

Ashlyn paused, glancing to something on the side of the video, before asking, “How are you really doing?” 

Ali shrugged one shoulder non-committedly. “It hurts. But like, it’s not the end. I’m just trying to stay positive. Can we, just, you know, not talk about it right now? It’s too fresh.” 

Ash nodded sympathetically, a slight smile on her lips. “Are you still flying out on the 19th?” 

“Yeah, we land at like 2 or something. And then me and Alex are renting a car and driving up. So I should get to your’s like 9ish. Think you could make me dinner?” Ali flashed her brightest smile at her girlfriend. 

“Sure thing, babe. Are you sure though that you want to drive here right after your flight?” 

Ali fixed her gaze on the rather ugly picture on the wall across from her bed, her fingers curling into the duvet. “Uh, I suppose I could wait a day. I just thought,” 

“Wait, Ali, no, it’s not that I don’t want to see you. I just don’t want you to get in an accident.” Ashlyn looked like somebody had kicked her puppy and Ali somehow felt worse. “Alex, believe me, I wish I was with you right now and I want to see you as soon as possible.” 

“I know. I...uh, I wish you were here too. But I’ll see you in like 2 days and then I’ll be with you for at least a few weeks. I can’t wait to watch your game. I can’t wait to see you.” 

Ash’s expression softened some; the pressure in Ali’s chest lessened ever so slightly. “Same here, princess.” 

“You two are sickening,” Heather laughed as she rose to get the food from the door. 

Ali stuck her tongue out at Heather before rolling onto her side, positioning the screen so it was as if Ashlyn was lying next to her. 

“She’s one to talk. I used to watch her and Dave make heart eyes at each other over dinner until I thought I was going to lose mine.” 

“I heard that, Harris!” 

Ali giggled as Ash dramatically rolled her eyes. “So what are we gonna do in Buffalo?” 

Ashlyn’s eyebrows bounced up and down as she said, “Well, first, I think it’s super important that I give you a tour of my house. In particular, my-” 

“Nope, that’s it. I draw the line at you two having phone sex.” Heather dropped onto the bed next to Ali, jostling the phone. “Say bye-bye to your girl, Kriegs. You two can do this when I’m not here.”

“So you’re leaving then, HAO?” Ash asked cheekily, earning a groan from the other blonde. 

“I’ll talk to you later, Ash.” 

“Alright, baby, sleep well. Love you.” Before Ali could respond, the call ended. As she dropped the phone on to the bed, she found Heather still watching her intently. “What?” 

“You okay?” Ali’s eyebrows shot up. “I mean, other than the World Cup. Are you and Ash good?” 

Ali let out a non-committal noise before rolling to her side away from Heather. “Yeah, I think so. It’s just, it’s hard.” 

“The long distance?” Heather asked, rubbing Ali’s shoulder gently. 

Ali shook her head into the pillow. “I don’t know if I can keep doing this. She just cares so much. And I, I don’t know. I’m scared.” 

“Have you talked to her?” 

Ali twisted to look Heather in the eye. “She’s like a puppy. She just gets sad and pouty and I hate to see her like that.” 

“Al, you can’t lead her on. You guys have been together for what, like, 6 months? Have you told her you love her yet?” Ali shook her head again, unable to watch the disappointment in Heather’s eyes. 

“We’re just never together for more than a few weeks and she’s so invested in this. And I’m bad at relationships. Much less a relationship like this. I keep trying to, you know, tell her I love her too. But I can never get it out.” 

Heather pulled Ali into her body, wrapping an arm around her. “It’s early days still. You two have something special. The next few weeks will be good for you two. I believe in you, Ali Krieger.” 

Ali sniffled a bit, the emotions of the day still hitting her. “Thanks, HAO. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” 

“French fries?” 

xx 

It was bittersweet leaving Germany for Ali. The rest of the team was all too eager to leave Europe behind. But Ali loved Germany and it had been the place of many of her professional successes. She hadn’t decided yet if she wanted to come back to play. But her Frankfurt teammates had all passed on word that they’d love to have her back. 

She was glad, as she always was, to be back in the US, where the signs wee in English, not German for a change. 

With many hugs and tears and promises to visit, she and Alex had managed to extract themselves from the rest of the team and made it to the rental car agency. 

Soon, they found themselves on the long road to Buffalo. 

Thankfully, both were too tired or caught up in their own thoughts to chat much. The only time they really spoke was when the radio had mentioned the World Cup and Ali flicked it off. 

“Thanks.” 

“I think we both know what happened anyway.” Ali managed to coax a smile out of the younger girl. “God, Buffalo’s far away.” 

As the clock ticked towards 9, Ali had finally dropped Alex off at her apartment and she was on her way to the small house Ashlyn shared with Whitney. 

And there, sitting on the front step was, “Ash,” Her girlfriend’s name fell from her lips in a sigh as she parked the rental. She launched herself out of the car and into Ashlyn’s arms. 

“Hey there, pretty girl.” Ashlyn cupped her face gently, sweeping her fingertips over Ali’s cheekbones. 

“Hi,” breathed out Ali, rising slightly on her toes to rest her forehead against Ashlyn’s. While her fingers tangled in Ashlyn’s hair, Ali pressed up to kiss Ash. One of Ashlyn’s hands slid away from her face, coming to rest on her spine. 

Ali soon found herself lost in the feeling of Ashlyn’s body pressed against her. But they broke apart as a voice yelled from the doorway. 

“Good to see you too, Kriegs!” 

Ashlyn spun around, her hand never leaving Ali’s body. “Really, Whit? You couldn’t have waited like a few minutes?” 

“And have a public indecency complaint from the neighbors? Absolutely not. Also, your pasta is burning.” 

Ali let out a laugh, allowing herself to slip under Ashlyn’s arm. “Hey, Whit.” 

“C’mon then, I made you dinner.” Ashlyn began to lead Ali into the house. “And by made you dinner, I mean, Whit boiled the water and I put the pasta in the pot.” 

“Wow, such high class dining around here, baby.” 

“You know it,” Ashlyn agreed cheerfully, dragging Ali down onto the couch with her. “I’m so glad you’re here, Al.” 

Ali brushed some hair away from Ashlyn’s cheeks. “Me too. I missed you so much.” Ali glanced away for a moment. “I really wish you could’ve been there with me. But I’m also glad you didn’t have to have that disappointment of coming so close and failing. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, least of all you.” That same flicker of sadness or disappointment briefly flashed in Ashlyn’s eyes and it tore at Ali. “Um, no, that came out wrong. I just mean, god, Ash, it was just crushing to stand there and watch the Japanese celebrate and know we didn’t do enough. That we weren’t enough.” 

Ashlyn stiffened against Ali and Ali wanted to disappear into the floor. “Gee, Alex, I wonder what that would be like. To have to stand around and watch others get exactly what you wanted. To think you aren’t enough.” 

“Ash, no, c’mon.” Ali threw one leg over Ash’s waist, straddling her in one smooth move. “That’s not what I was trying to say. God, I sound like an idiot. I just. I care so much about you. I just never want you to feel that disappointment.” Ali leaned down to press a kiss to Ashlyn’s forehead. “All I want is for you to succeed.” 

Ashlyn closed her eyes and exhaled slowly. “I know, I know. I’m sorry. I overreacted.” 

“I know a way you could make it up to me.” 

Ashlyn’s hand came up to rest on her girlfriend’s hips, seeking the soft skin beneath her shirt with her thumbs. “Hm, and what would that be?” 

“Well, I think a kiss is a good start.” 

“You do, do you?” 

As Ashlyn rose up, they were interrupted again by Whitney appearing from the kitchen. “Hey, lovebirds, your pasta’s ready. Also, can you at least wait until I’m in my room before you start sexing each other up?” Ash dropped back against the couch in frustration. “Alright, I’m going. Try to keep it down.” Whitney winked at them before retreating to her bedroom with a bowl of pasta. 

“I could probably just go in and murder her now you know.” Ashlyn said, her tone hopeful and teasing. 

“As much as that may help in the moment, I don’t think I’m up for conjugal visits.” 

“Spoil sport.”

Ali carefully extracted herself from Ash’s lap, tugging her girlfriend with her. “If you get a little food in me, who knows what kind of energy I could have?” 

Ashlyn quickly chased after her, dragging her into the kitchen. 

xx 

Ashlyn woke up to an empty bed, her hand immediately falling to the spot where Ali had fallen asleep next to her. There was the faintest trace of the smell of Ali’s perfume, but the bed wasn’t warm anymore. With a groan, Ashlyn pulled herself out of bed to search for her girlfriend. 

She slid the back patio door open to the small yard, where she found Ali on the phone with somebody, chatting quietly in German. 

Ali turned and flashed her brilliant smile at Ashlyn, gesturing for her to join her. Ashlyn curled into Ali’s side, listening absently as Ali’s fingers brushed through her unruly bedhead. She recognized a handful of words, but she didn’t have the ear for language that Ali did. 

After a few minutes or an hour (Ashlyn fully had fallen back asleep), Ali ended the call and pressed a kiss to Ashlyn’s temple. “Morning,” she said softly, her voice still carrying some of her European accent. 

“You’re up early.” 

“It’s the middle of the day in Germany, Ash.” 

Ashlyn grumbled, “You think I’d be better at this whole time zone thing. What was that about?” 

Ali shifted slightly so she could throw her legs over Ashlyn’s lap and face her fully. “Oh, just a German language interview about the World Cup.” Ali glanced away from Ashlyn to watch the cardinal that had landed on the fence. Ashlyn hummed in acknowledgement, nuzzling into Ali’s neck. “You’re up early.” 

“I got lonely.” 

“Poor baby,” teased Ali, “I figured you wouldn’t want me to wake you up by loudly speaking German.” 

“I think it’s hot when you speak German.” 

Ali’s laugh rang brightly in the early morning air. “I know. I’ve seen you watch that video US Soccer did.” As Ashlyn pouted a bit, Ali moved forward to kiss the pout off her girlfriend’s lips. “Aw, c’mon, it’s cute.” 

Ashlyn’s hand curled around one of Ali’s knees, giving it a squeeze. “How did you even end up doing an interview?” Ali glanced away again and something pulled in the pit of Ashlyn’s stomach. “Al?” 

“Um, Frankfurt had asked it if I could do some press for them. Ya know, it’s great for them, even if Germany didn’t make the final, but they have their token American player to throw to the press.” A small smile ticked up the corner of Ali’s mouth, but it seemed disingenuous to Ashlyn.

“They’re really getting their money’s worth out of your contract.” 

“Uh-huh.” Ali shifted against Ashlyn, no longer meeting her gaze. “What time do you have training?” 

Ashlyn frowned a bit, sensing Ali’s discomfort about talking about Germany. She figured it just had to do with the World Cup, so she let it go. “9, but I need to go a bit earlier to work on some shoulder stuff.” 

“Is something wrong with your shoulder?” Ali’s hand found its way to Ashlyn’s shoulder, her fingers ghosting across, searching for any apparent injury. “Oh my god, you were carrying me around yesterday.” Ali smacked Ash’s chest lightly. “You idiot. You need to take care of yourself.” 

Ashlyn let out a loud laugh, catching Ali’s hand before she could hit her again. “Princess, calm down. It’s just some precautionary stuff ‘cause I landed bad a week or two back. Don’t worry. The trainer just is being careful.” Ashlyn wove their fingers together before pressing a kiss to Ali’s knuckles. “I promise I’m okay.” 

“Promise?” 

“I promise. You’re welcome to come along with me and Whit to see for yourself.” 

Ali considered it for a moment before glancing down to her phone. “I wish I could, but I have to make some calls, some interviews, that kind of thing.” 

Ashlyn opened her mouth to speak, but they were interrupted again by Whitney asking if they wanted breakfast. Ali swung her legs off Ashlyn’s lap and tugged the blonde to her feet. “C’mon, Ash. How about I make you dinner tonight?” 

“That sounds perfect, Princess. I bet I can even get Whit to hang out somewhere else for the evening.” Ashlyn’s eyebrows bounced up and down playfully, a lightness returning to her tone. “I can leave you the keys for my car. If you remember to drive on the right side of the road and promise not to crash it that is.” 

Ali shoved Ashlyn a bit. “That’s England, you doofus.” 

“Did I just hear that Ash was gonna lend you her car?” Whitney asked as the couple entered the small kitchen. “Hell really must have frozen over. She doesn’t even trust me to drive it.” 

Ashlyn rolled her eyes dramatically as she fetched two spoons for her and Ali, purposefully leaving Whitney sans silverware. “I trust Ali with everything.” 

Ashlyn’s back was to Ali as she said this and retrieved the yogurt from the fridge, so she didn’t see the gamut of emotions that flickered across Ali’s face. But Whitney did. 

And it concerned Whitney as she watched her best friend in the world flirt and tease with the girl she had given her heart to. Ashlyn was such a giver. She was such a positive force and deserved the world. But Whitney had watched for years as Ashlyn poured her whole self into relationships and rarely got the same in return. 

“...Whit?” 

“Huh?” 

“Was just asking if you’re ready to head?” Ashlyn asked around a spoonful of yogurt, her other hand intertwined with Ali’s. 

Whitney scrubbed a hand over her face. “Oh, yeah. Sorry, I’m just kind of tired. Someone was very loud last night.” Ali’s cheeks flushed pink and Ashlyn let out a chuckle. “Harris, you better go get dressed. Don’t worry, I can keep Kriegs entertained in your absence.” Ashlyn let out a long suffering sigh, but relented after kissing the top of her girlfriend’s head. 

“So how have you been, Whit?” Ali asked, stirring her yogurt absently. “We didn’t really get a chance to talk last night.” 

Whitney snorted. “Yeah, you were a bit,” Whitney coughed, “occupied last night.” 

Ali somehow managed to turn an even brighter red. “I, uh, I haven’t, we hadn’t seen each other in a while.” 

Whitney settled across the table from Ali, a serious expression crossing her face. “We need to talk, Ali.” 

“I thought that was what we were doing.” Ali’s shoulders pulled back, tightened defensively. “Well, don’t keep me in suspense.” 

Whitney exhaled heavily. The last thing she wanted to do was have a long argument with Ali that would inevitably involve Ashlyn. “Look, I’m just trying to look out for Ashlyn, Ali.” Ali’s arms folded in front of her, warding herself off from Whitney. “Ali, she really loves you and I just want to make sure you’re on the same page.” 

“Thank you for your concern, Whit, but we’re grown-ups and are fully capable of discussing our relationship together.” Ali pushed herself to her feet and made to leave the room. 

“Ali, I just don’t want to have to pick up the pieces because you decide that it’s easier to be straight and not have a long distance relationship that you, not her, are hiding from the media.” Whitney knew her words were harsh, but Ashlyn was like a sister to her and Ashlyn thought Ali was end game for her. But Whitney had watched Ashlyn go down this path too many times. 

Any response Ali had was cut off by Ashlyn’s reappearance. Ali’s drawn expression transformed into a bright smile that alleviated some of Whitney’s concerns.

“You good just hanging out today, babe?” Ashlyn leaned down to kiss Ali, completely oblivious to the minor spat between Ali and Whitney.

“Yeah, I got a message last night that asked if I’d be interested in going to a celebration with Abby, Pinoe and Alex here in Rochester. So I’ll have that.”

“And don’t forget you promised to make me dinner!” Ashlyn half-tackled Ali into a hug as the other woman tried to squirm out of Ashlyn’s grasp. The two were totally lost in their own world, giggling and whispering to each other. Eventually, Whitney cleared her throat and the couple broke apart, each sporting a brilliant smile. “Sorry, Whit. D’you mind giving us the house for the evening?” 

Whitney rolled her eyes, but relented to her best friend, much to Ashlyn’s delight. 

“Alright, honey, we’ve got to go to work now. I hope you’re a good little house girlfriend and make me a lovely dinner.” Ashlyn dropped a kiss on Ali’s forehead, ignoring the cute pout on Ali’s lips. 

“You’re lucky I like you, Harris.” 

“Love you too, honey!” Ashlyn called over her shoulder as she grabbed her bag. “My keys are on the counter!” 

Whitney managed a smile towards Ali, who looked increasingly uncomfortable around her once Ashlyn had left. 

“Have a good practice, Whit.” 

“Uh-huh.” Whitney hesitated as if she wanted to say more to Ali, but decided better of it and followed after her friend. 

Ali dropped back into the chair, her head falling into her hands. This was all so much. How could Whitney accuse her of not caring for Ashlyn? 

The old feelings of insecurity and being chronically out of place resurfaced, causing a wave of nausea to overtake Ali. She was never quite right, was she? She was always too focused on soccer or not speaking the right language or not in love with the right person. 

Ali felt perpetually insecure and out of place. She hadn’t had a place to call home in many years. Between her parents’ divorce, Kyle’s addiction, college and then Germany, Ali couldn’t remember the last time she felt at peace, at home. 

As she stared around the kitchen, her gaze fell on a picture Ash had pinned on the fridge. Abby had taken it on New Years’ Eve. Neither of them had been aware of the camera and they were so wrapped up in each other, adoration shining in their eyes. 

She felt at home in Ash’s arms. When they were wrapped in each other’s arms, Ali felt safe, content. She didn’t feel out of place, in fact, the opposite. The past 9 months of being with Ashlyn had been both the best and the hardest. 

She felt truly loved, like she could be herself, when she was with Ashlyn. 

But she also felt as if she was taking more than she was giving to Ashlyn. 

Her phone began to ring in her pocket, tearing her away from the photo. 

“Hallo? Oh, hi, Tim.”

xx 

Ashlyn bounded into the house, her blonde hair streaming behind her. “Honey, I’m home!” 

“In the kitchen!” 

Ashlyn pivoted towards the kitchen. She paused in the doorway. Ali was bobbing along to the radio as she stirred something on the stove. Her hair swayed down her back, begging for Ashlyn to touch it. Ashlyn padded across the kitchen quietly until she was able to wrap her hands around Ali’s waist. 

Ali let out a shriek of laughter, turning in Ashlyn’s arm so they were face to face. “Careful, the stove’s hot!” 

“Something else is hot, too,” breathed out Ashlyn, her eyes fixated on Ali’s lips. She leaned down slightly until their lips met. Ali wound her arms around Ashlyn’s neck, bringing her impossibly closer. With a moan, Ashlyn swiped her tongue against the seam of Ali’s lips until she acquiesced. 

Ali began to push them away from the stove, maneuvering Ashlyn onto one of the chairs. Once Ashlyn was settled, Ali dropped into her lap, pressing kisses along her jawline. Ashlyn’s hands found their way into Ali’s hair, winding through the silky strands. 

Ali nipped at the junction of Ash’s neck and shoulder, causing Ashlyn to tug on Ali’s hair sharply. “Fuck, Ash,” Ali moaned into Ash’s skin. 

Ash guided Ali’s face back up and into a deep kiss. One hand slid down Ali’s back before coming to rest on her ass, which Ashlyn would fully admit to being obsessed with. Ali arched into Ashlyn, the chair creaking uneasily under their weight. 

A loud hiss and pop broke them apart as the sauce Ali had been working on boiled over. 

“Oh no!” Ali launched off of Ashlyn to get to the sauce off the heat, in the process, knocking Ashlyn to the ground. “Oh Ash, I’m sorry!” Ali called over her shoulder, her focus still on the pot. 

“Ali,” whined Ashlyn as she pulled herself up. “This better be some good dinner.” 

“I’m sorry! But it’s ready now.” 

Ashlyn contented herself to watching her girlfriend flit around the kitchen finishing off the dinner. It was so domestic and calm; it warmed Ashlyn from the top down. This was the life she wanted for them. She wanted them to be in the same place as much as possible. She hated that they were always separated by distance. 

But hopefully, wherever Ali got allocated in the WPS wasn’t too far from New York. There was a very narrow chance that she would end up at the Flash given the state of the squad. But anywhere in the US was closer than Germany and at least they’d be playing on the same field on occasion. 

“Here ya go,” said Ali as she dropped a plate of food in front of Ashlyn. “Chicken with white wine mushroom sauce, green beans, and brown rice.” 

Ali settled herself across the table after she fetched her glass of wine. 

“Wait, why do you get a glass of wine?” 

“Because I don’t have a game to play tomorrow.” 

“Ali,” Ashlyn moaned with a pout. “Then you shouldn’t have any. It’s not fair.” 

Ali rolled her eyes, chuckling at the childlike expression on Ashlyn’s face. She reached across the small table to hold Ashlyn’s hand. “I’m sure you’ll get over it, babe. How was practice?” 

“Eh, you know, standard. All the internationals are still making their way back. Maurine spent an entire water break complaining to Sinc about some annoying American defender who kept on her ass. Wonder who that could be?” 

The corners of Ali’s eyes crinkled in amusement. “She’s the one who got a card for time wasting, right?” 

“Yeah. I don’t speak Portuguese, but her and Marta are both pretty keyed up about that game still. Something about árbitros idiotas and Americanos.” Ashlyn eagerly cut into her chicken, a loud moan falling from her lips. Ali’s cheeks turned a delightful shade of pink at the sound. “Alex, this is so good.” 

“I’m glad you like it.” 

“Seriously, this is up there with my Grandma’s mac and cheese. So, how was the celebration thing?” 

Ali bobbed one shoulder non committedly. “It’s weird. We lost. And yet, everybody is celebrating us.” 

“You still played in a World Cup. You made it to a final. The men’s team can barely make it to the group stage. You beat Brazil and France and proved that you could do it.” 

“But we weren’t enough. In the end, I, I just…. I don’t know what to say to people when they cheer for me.” Ali tugged a hand through her long hair. “There’s all these little girls and it’s wonderful that they’re looking up for us and watching us. But I can’t help but feel like I let them down.” 

“Ali, Ali, Alex, look at me. You did something amazing and you shouldn’t feel guilty about anything. I’m so proud of you.” 

Ali managed to look up at Ashlyn, tears just brimming at the corners of her dark eyes. “Thank you, Ash. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey my beautiful people 
> 
> hope you all enjoy 
> 
> this is my first foray, but i've been a football player for as long as i can remember and have always loved the uswnt. like i can still remember being 13 and crying when the us lost in 2011. 
> 
> so this is very near and dear to my heart. 
> 
> lmk what y'all thought or just wanna chat footy. 
> 
> much love
> 
> b


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ali, I don’t want to fight.” 
> 
> “Then, let’s not fight. Let’s just go to dinner and be normal.” 
> 
> Ashlyn still looked pained, but she managed a smile. “Of course, Ali. Dinner. I just overreacted I guess. Everything’s fine.” 
> 
> xx
> 
> in which everything is distinctly not fine™

_ chapter two.  _

Ali smiled kindly at the little girl who had eagerly held up a soccer ball for her to sign. “So, Kelsey, what position do you like to play?” 

The girl, all blonde hair and missing front teeth, grinned up at her. “I like all the positions. ‘Cept for goalie. I get scared.” 

“Take it from me, goalies are seriously the craziest players on the field.” Ali spun the pen between her fingers for a moment before signing the ball. “Just keep it up, kiddo, and you’ll do great things.” 

“Thank you, Ms. Krieger!” 

For much of the match, Ali had tried to watch the game, but there was a constant stream of fans, mainly little girls, who wanted to talk to her and take photos and sign things. 

During one of the lulls, Ali had managed to catch Ashlyn making a dramatic save and getting kneed in the gut in the process. Ali shot to her feet, her hands curling into the metal bar in front of her. Ashlyn rolled on the pitch, clutching at her stomach. 

Ali wanted nothing more than to run to her side, to provide her more comfort. But weighing heavier than that instinct was her fear of being discovered. She schooled her features into one of mild interest and shrugged off Alex’s boyfriend’s hand from her shoulder. There were so many cameras around, serving only to increase the tightness in her chest. 

After a few minutes, Ashlyn stood to her feet, moving a bit gingerly. Ali relaxed slightly, but she couldn’t shake the nerves. 

She felt exposed, like there were too many eyes on her right now. It was so easy before the World Cup. She and Ashlyn kept their private life private, but more importantly, nobody was paying attention to them. Ali was away in Germany and Ashlyn was in New York and it was hard and easy all at the same time. 

But now everything was different. People were interested in her. Her agent in the US and in Germany had already begun to sift through offers. Nike was excited to up her promotional work along with other brands. She had a chance to leverage the World Cup into a greater career for herself. 

Tim, her agent though, had emphasised to her how important her All-American good girl image was to everything. Ali had the perfect persona for marketing to middle America; she had an easy smile, a personable nature and a humble athlete. Tim made it explicitly clear that she would need to tread carefully. 

She couldn’t be open about her relationship with Ashlyn; she couldn’t even really bring herself to admit to herself that she was gay, or at the very least, not straight. She felt so confused. She hadn’t even been able to tell her parents. Kyle knew, but they spoke practically every other day. 

Ashlyn, on the other hand, had never been confused or dishonest and was so freely giving of her affection. 

“Ali, Ali, hey, Ali.” Serv tugged on her elbow, nodding towards the field. “Game’s over.” 

“Hm? Oh, right.” The pair of them made their way down to the field to chat with the players they knew. Ali kept Ashlyn in the corner of her eye while Becky Edwards excitedly chatted about the World Cup. A pair of arms wrapped around Ali, whoever it was was tall and lanky, which meant it must be, “Yael!” 

“Ali! I’m so glad you came to watch our game.” The two hugged briefly. “I’m sorry about the final. It was a tough game.” 

Ali wanted to say something snide back, but knew Yael only had good intentions. Ali was so tired of people talking about the World Cup and it had only been a few days. 

“Thanks, Yael. Good game here.” 

“Ali!” Ashlyn came bounding over, slinging an arm over her shoulders. Ali flinched slightly under her touch. Ashlyn glanced at her questioningly, a flash of hurt in her eyes. She slowly withdrew her arm, her gaze remaining on Ali’s with a frown. “You okay, Alex?” 

Ali felt worse than ever before. 

“Yeah, sorry, you just, uh, surprised me. Great game, Ash.” 

Ashlyn brightened up slightly, a smile on her lips. “Thanks, Al. There’s someone who I think would like to meet you.” She nodded towards two Flash players talking a little ways away. “C’mon, princess.” 

“Don’t call me that here, Ash,” She reprimanded as Ashlyn led her over to her teammates. 

“Al,” began Ashlyn. 

“Just, not here, Ash, okay?” 

“Yeah, fine,” Ashlyn said as she held up her hands defensively. “Hey, Marta, I told you she was here!” Ashlyn gestured to Ali, who nervously tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “Marta, Maurine, meet Ali Krieger.” 

The two Brazilian players appraised her for a moment before Marta stepped forward. “It is good to meet you again.” 

“You as well. I’m glad to not have to defend against you at the moment.” The four of them all let out a laugh as Marta winked at the defender. “You played a good game.” 

“And you broke Brazilian hearts,” the striker said, shaking her head. “It was well done.” 

Ali’s cheeks flushed a bit until Ashlyn nudged her with her elbow. “Thank you. That means a lot coming from you.” They were interrupted by team managers come to collect the Flash players for interviews. “Go on,” Ali said as Ashlyn lingered with a questioning look. “I’ll just wait around.” Ali squeezed Ashlyn’s hand briefly in reassurance. 

Ali watched as the local news swarmed around Alex and Marta with a handful of larger news agencies edging in for a soundbite with the stars of the World Cup. 

“Ms. Krieger!” Ali’s head shot up at the sound of her name. “Ms. Kreiger! Would you mind doing a brief interview with us?” A young reporter appeared in front of her, trailed by a cameraman. 

“Oh, of course.” 

The reporter asked the standard questions about the World Cup and her playing career in Germany. Ali could practically do these questions on auto-pilot. 

“And, what about your personal life? Is there a special man waiting for you back in Germany?” 

“Huh, oh, no definitely not.” 

“Really? Do you have hopes of settling down either here or in Germany?” 

“Um, no, not at the moment, I suppose not. I’m really just focused on my career. I’m at the height of my career, so I don’t really have time for a relationship.” Ali rubbed at the back of her neck. “It’s something I’d like at some point. But I’m not, there’s no one special right now.”

“Okay,” the reporter chuckled, “Thank you for agreeing to talk with me.” 

“Of course.” As the reporter walked away, Ali ran a nervous hand through her hair. 

Why were reporters asking about her personal life now. Ali thought she might be sick. There was too much on the line. 

She spun around, searching for her girlfriend, but Ashlyn must have gone back to the locker room. She nearly crashed into Whitney in the process. 

“Oh hey, Whit. Have you seen Ash?” 

Whitney’s gaze was nothing short of freezing. “I think she’s in the locker room. She can probably just meet you back at ours.” 

Ali’s brow tightened. “What do you… Whit, I have her car. We’re getting dinner after the game.” 

“It’s nothing, Ali.” Whitney turned on her heel and disappeared into the stadium, leaving Ali feeling wholly off balance. 

Ali made her way to the players’ entrance, leaning up against a wall as she waited for Ashlyn to appear. 

This was all too much. She was overwhelmed by everything around her. She just needed to be secure and safe somewhere. It felt as if everything was falling apart around her and she didn’t even know how. 

Finally, after what seemed as if every single Flash player had left the building, Ashlyn appeared, her blonde hair loose around her shoulders. Ali pushed off the wall and pulled Ashlyn into a hug. 

“Hey, baby.” Ashlyn stiffened in Ali’s arms until Ali let her go. 

“I thought you said no nicknames in public, Alex.” Ashlyn took a step back from Ali, her eyes dark. 

Ali sighed, “Ash, c’mon. I just meant, you know, not in front of everybody on the pitch.” 

“Alex, everyone there is a friend. There wasn’t anybody even paying attention to us. And you flinched when I touched you.” 

“You surprised me!” Ali took a step towards Ashlyn, her hand outstretched. “Ash, please, c’mon, it didn’t have to do with you.” Ashlyn allowed Ali to touch her, but her eyes were still stormy. “Ashlyn, baby,” even to her own ears, Ali’s voice sounded unsure of herself. 

Ashlyn scrubbed a hand over her face, heaving out a sigh. “Ali, I don’t want to fight.” 

“Then, let’s not fight. Let’s just go to dinner and be normal.” 

Ashlyn still looked pained, but she managed a smile. “Of course, Ali. Dinner. I just overreacted I guess. Everything’s fine.” 

But then, why did it feel like everything was distinctly not fine? Ashlyn’s shoulders remained tight and she didn’t reach for Ali’s hand like she usually did. Ali wanted Ashlyn to understand, but somehow the words never came to her. 

Ali just didn’t know how much longer she could hold it together. 

xx 

Ashlyn woke curled around Ali, her nose pressed against the nape of Ali’s neck. She inhaled Ali’s scent as if trying to commit it to memory. She could live in this moment happily for the rest of her life, wrapped up in Ali, Ali’s features lit by the morning sun. 

Ali stirred slightly in her arms, but remained asleep. 

Ashlyn loved her with all her heart. For her, Ali was it. She was the only one Ashlyn needed anymore. 

And she wanted more than anything to believe Ali felt the same way. 

She knew Ali had had a hard time of it since they had started dating seven months ago. Ali had struggled from the day she had met Ashlyn. To be entirely fair, Ashlyn had struggled too since she saw the brunette on the first day of camp, watching from a distance as the team welcomed her back from Europe. No one could ever accuse Ashlyn of not knowing what she wanted and she knew she wanted Ali or at least, a chance with Ali. 

The first time Ali kissed her, Ashlyn knew she was a goner. Not to be a cliche or anything, but Ashlyn could’ve sworn she saw stars when a slightly tipsy Ali Kreiger dropped onto the sand next to her and whispered that she wanted to kiss her. 

Ashlyn had never been one to believe in grand romances and true love and soulmates. For years, she contented herself with one night stands and the occasional girlfriend, and she cared for them. But Ali, Ali she loved with all she had. 

Ashlyn idly traced her fingers over Ali’s exposed ribcage, gently drawing shapes. 

After what might have been an hour or maybe a few minutes, Ashlyn rolled away from Ali, smiling as Ali let out a disgruntled noise in her sleep. After pulling on the pyjamas that Ali had tossed on the floor the night before, Ashlyn padded down to the kitchen to whip up breakfast in bed for her girlfriend. 

“Morning, Ash.” 

“Fuck, Whit, a little noise would be nice.” Ashlyn tried to mop up the coffee she spilled before it could reach the edge of the counter. “Don’t sneak up on me like that.” 

“You literally walked past me on the couch. I’m surprised you’re up already. Sounded like you two were having quite the night.” Whitney chuckled into her mug, but there was something disapproving in her tone. 

Ashlyn rolled her eyes in irritation. “I haven’t seen my girlfriend in ages. Just let us be.” 

Whitney held up one hand in defense. “Sorry, sorry. Did you two talk about what she said yesterday?” 

And just like that, Ashlyn’s pleasant morning began to crumble in on itself. “Leave it, Whitney. Seriously.” 

“Ashlyn, no, come on.” Whitney set her cup down none too gently. “You stormed off the field and were practically in tears in the locker room. I don’t get it. I don’t get how you are so willing to forgive her for everything.” 

“Look, it’s just been hard because we’ve been apart more than we’ve been together. It’ll be better when Ali’s actually based in the US again. When we’re together, it’s perfect.” 

Whitney exhaled sharply. “It’s not perfect, Ash. If it was perfect, you wouldn’t have been torn up yesterday. If it was perfect, she wouldn’t be saying stuff like that to reporters. If it was perfect, I wouldn’t have to watch you tiptoe around your own girlfriend about what you want out of this relationship.” Whitney’s expression softened as she watched Ashlyn start to fold in on herself. “Ash, I know you love her. But it’s been what, 8 months? Has she said she loves you too, Ash?” 

“I don’t need her to say it! I know how we feel about each other. I don’t appreciate you trying to insert yourself into our relationship.” Ashlyn gripped the counter behind her, her knuckles turning white. 

“Ash-” 

“Whitney, I love you like a sister, but my relationship with Ali, it’s none of your business.” 

“It will be my business when she leaves you, which I know she will, because you always do this. You always go all in with the wrong person. You have such a big heart, Ash, and I love that. But you give so much of yourself away to people who hurt you and don’t deserve you. Ashlyn, tell me that what she said to that reporter didn’t hurt you. Tell me that you don’t worry about her leaving you. Tell me-” 

“Yes!” Ashlyn finally said, cutting Whitney off. “Yes,” she barked and her voice was far too loud for the small house. “I hate that she flinches away from me if I touch her in public. I hate that I’m her dirty little secret. Do you think I don’t that? Don’t you think I know that she’ll never love me as much as I love her? I know I’m not enough and all I want is to hear her say that she loves me too.” 

“Ash-” 

“No, you know what, Whit, maybe you’re right.” 

“Ash-” 

“What do you want me to say?” 

“Ashlyn, turn around.” 

And there, in the doorway, was Ali, looking far too disheveled for an innocent morning in an old shirt of Ashlyn’s that swallowed her and a tiny pair of shorts. But her face was a myriad of emotions, ranging from devastation to anger to confusion. 

“Ali, wait!” Ashlyn called out as Ali turned on her heel and ran out of the room. Moments later, the front door slammed. “Fuck!” Ashlyn slammed her palm onto the counter, rounding on Whitney. “Are you happy now?” 

“God, Ash, no, I just was trying to make sure you were okay.” 

“Clearly, I’m doing great now. Fuck, I need to find her.” 

Ashlyn tore out of the house, grabbing a sweatshirt on her way out as she ran into the grey summer morning. She twisted around at the end of the sidewalk, searching for Ali. She finally found her, walking hurriedly down the street towards the small park. Ashlyn took off at a sprint, remembering why she was a goalie and not a field player. 

“Ali!” 

Ali turned to face Ashlyn, her features drawn. She opened her mouth to say something, but thought better of it. 

“Alex, wait. Stop running away.” 

“I need some space, Ashlyn.” 

Ashlyn finally caught up with Ali, clutching at her wrist. “Alex, please, I can explain.” Ashlyn reached out to touch Ali, but she flinched away. 

Ali lifted her chin, her eyes shining with unshed tears. “What? Explain what. I’m trying here, Ash.” 

As much as Ashlyn wanted to fix things, to stop Ali’s tears, her frustration and anger spilled over. “Are you though, Ali? Because from where I’m standing, I’m the only one in this relationship. Do you even love me?” Ali’s mouth fell open, only for no sound to come out. “Can you even say you love me? Because, the thing is, Alex, I love you. I know I love you. But you’re not in this relationship with me.” 

“Ash,” said Ali, her voice breaking. “What’re you saying?” 

“Alex, can you tell me you love me?” 

“Ash, you know I do.” Tears now openly spilled down Ali’s cheeks. 

“I don’t know that, Ali. Because everytime I take one step forward for us, you take two steps backward. I have put everything into this relationship. I was willing to put in the work for long distance. I supported you through everything. I celebrated with you, even when my dreams were wrecked.” 

“That’s not my fault! You know I believe in you.” 

Ashlyn took a step back from Ali in disbelief. “It’s not your fault? Alex, you’re completely missing the point. You are my partner. We’re supposed to be on each other’s team. And I know this was a big deal for you. And I was so happy for you.” Ali choked back a sob and Ashlyn felt like her heart was tearing in two. As if the heavens agreed with her, the skies opened up and it began to rain lightly. “But, Ali, you’re selfish.” 

“Ashlyn, how can you say that?” 

Ashlyn swallowed hard against the lump forming in her throat. How could Ali not get it? “I have tried, I have tried so hard to be the right person for you. But, Alex, I don’t know how much I can give.” 

“What do you want me to say?” 

Eyes squeezed tight, Ashlyn tugged at her long hair. “That’s the thing, Ali. I shouldn’t have to tell you what to say. I shouldn’t have to feed you lines to tell me. I can’t do this anymore.” 

“Ashlyn, please,” whimpered Ali, taking a step closer to Ashlyn. “I have, I’m not good at relationships. I’ve never had anything last. I don’t know how to do this.” 

“That’s not true. We were happy, Al. But you care too much about what everybody else thinks. And you don’t seem to care about me. Why are you even with me?” 

“Because, because-” 

“See! You can’t even say why! Ali, I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved.” Ashlyn took a deep steadying breath before she finally said, “And I don’t think that’s possible with you.” 

Ali stumbled back as if Ashlyn had struck her. She gaped at Ashlyn, her tears mixing with the rain. “Are you, do you, are you breaking up with me?” 

Ashlyn froze, her heart pounding painfully in her chest. “I think I have to. I, I need to.” 

“Ash, please don’t do this. I can be better. Please.” Ali curled in on herself, her arms wrapped tightly around her waist. “Ashlyn.” Her voice cracked and Ashlyn nearly broke. 

“No,” said Ashlyn, somehow finding strength. “I love you, Ali. I probably always will. But I can’t pour myself into a relationship that will always just be a second thought to you. I’m sorry.” 

“I, I, I, Ashlyn, please.” 

“Ali, I’m sorry. I’m going to take a walk. Please don’t be here when I get back. I need some space.” Ashlyn took a few steps back, holding her hands in front of her as if to ward herself. The look in Ali’s eyes made it nearly impossible. But Ashlyn had to put herself first. She needed to make this choice before things got worse. Ashlyn needed to focus on her game, not on trying to make a pretty girl fall in love with her. 

Ali just stood there and watched, tears indistinguishable from the rain. 

Ashlyn stumbled away, eventually turning away from Ali and leaving her heart standing alone, barefoot in the rain. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh yikes, things have gone downhill!! i promised angst, and i am delivering. things are going to get much worse before they get better. 
> 
> don't hate whitney, she's really just trying to be a good friend, albeit a bit misguided. there's a long road ahead for these two. :)) 
> 
> leave a note below 
> 
> much love 
> 
> b xx


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alternative title: HAO thinks everybody is an idiot. 
> 
> spoiler alert: she's right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in honor of the wc win today, have angst - i'm sorry. but i'm really not.

_ chapter three.  _

According to her father, there was nothing that couldn’t be cured with some ice cream, a few tough workouts and a distinct lack of talking about your feelings. While it was perhaps not the healthiest option emotionally, she wanted to be home. 

After Ashlyn had left her standing on that street corner in an oversized shirt while it began to downpour, Ali had made her way back to the house on autopilot, unable to fully comprehend what had happened. Blindly, she tossed her stuff back into the overnight bag she had been living out of before heading back out to her rental car. 

Whitney watched silently, her mouth pinched in a frown. 

And so, Ali had driven for hours, finally appearing on her father’s doorstep in the dying hours of the day, her eyes red from crying. 

Without question or hesitation, he had drawn her into a hug. 

For the first day, Ali had curled in on herself in her childhood bed, pondering how she could be such a screw-up. How she could have broken the best person she knew. How she could have failed to be a good partner, how she could have failed to make it work.

She was doomed, she decided, staring up at the posters of Mia Hamm and Julie Foudy and Brandi Chastain. Doomed to be forever alone, forever out of place. 

Her mother arrived within a few days when her father decided that this was well beyond his means. 

“Alex, baby, what’s going on? Is this about the World Cup?” Her mother asked, stroking her hair as Ali lay on her side, facing the wall. “Alex, your dad’s worried about you and so am I.” 

“Ash broke up with me.” 

“What was that, honey?” 

Ali rolled over to face her mom. “Ashlyn broke up with me.” 

“Ashlyn, as in your friend, Ashlyn?” 

Ali sighed heavily. “Yes, Ashlyn as in my now ex-girlfriend, Ashlyn.” Ali mumbled something into the quilt on her bed, unable to face her mom. 

“Alex, I can’t understand what you’re saying if you mumble.” Ali shifted into a sitting position, her gaze fixed firmly in her lap. “You can talk to me, Ali.” 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was dating Ashlyn.” 

Her mom brushed her fingers through her hair. “I knew, honey.” 

Ali’s head shot up. “You knew?” She stammered, her cheeks flushing. “How?” 

“A mother knows these things.” Debbie smiled kindly at her as she drew Ali into her side. “Also, you talked about her constantly and had this wonderful twinkle in your eyes when you did so. You seemed so happy, Alex, what happened?” 

Ali choked back a sob, unable to shed anymore tears. She tried her best to explain how the relationship had crumbled, but she barely even understood it herself. 

_ Why are you even with me? _

_ Do you even love me? _

Ashlyn’s words were stuck on a loop in her head.

_ I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved.  _

_ And I don’t think that’s possible with you. _

Ali felt broken. But it was her fault. She was the one who broke them. Ashlyn was just the one who said something. 

As she finished explaining to her mother, Ali broke down in tears, sobbing into her mother’s shoulder. 

“Shh, everything’s going to be fine, honey. It just will take a bit of time to heal your heart. You’ll find somebody else.” 

“I, I, I don’t want somebody else. But I’m no good for Ash. I don’t want to hurt her. She’s right, I am selfish.” 

“Alexandra, stop that.” Ali hiccupped, swiping at her cheeks. “You are a good person. You have made mistakes and I know it feels like the world is ending right now, but it will get better. You have to believe that, okay?” 

It did get better, kind of. Ali managed to drag herself out of bed after that and threw herself into workouts with her dad and even went along with him to chat with some of the youth teams. If she just pushed her body harder, maybe she wouldn’t feel how her heart hurt. 

But she couldn’t seem to escape Ash. Anytime Ali saw something funny, she wanted to send it to Ash. She forced herself to unfollow Ash on Twitter because she was too tempted to reach out and she owed it to Ashlyn not to make this harder than it needed to be. 

It felt like her life was in two parts now: before Ashlyn and after Ashlyn. It was only after they broke up that Ali realized how integral Ashlyn had been to her life. 

But she was nothing if not a fighter and she needed to re-focus. 

So after 3 days at home, she called up Heather and begged if she could come stay with her for a week before she returned to Germany. The decision of returning to Germany had been easy in the wake of the break-up. She missed Germany and the only thing tempting her to stay in the US was Ashlyn. Her German agent was thrilled she had decided to stay in Frankfurt, but US Soccer was mildly less thrilled to lose one of the young stars to Europe. 

Heather wasted no time hearing Ali’s side of the story when she arrived. Dave had come home to find the pair of them wine drunk on the couch while Ali belted out “All By Myself”. 

“You know, Kriegs, I gotta say, you and Ash are both idiots.” 

Ali pouted at her from her spot on the floor. “Ash’s not an idiot.” 

Heather rolled her eyes, drinking from her glass before saying, “I mean, she is. And you are too. You both love each other. I know that. The team knows that. Hell, I think Pia knows that.” Ali started to make a noise of protest, but Heather held up a hand imperiously and continued, “And yet, you two can’t figure it out. I can see both sides of the story. I get that you’re quote-unquote bad at relationships. I get that you don’t want to be in the public eye and lose sponsorships. But I also get that Ash has a long history of diving too far into relationships too early and that she thinks you’re the one.” 

“Wait,” Ali said, sitting up quickly and immediately regretting it as the blood rushed to her head. “Have you talked to Ash?” 

“Well, duh, Kriegs, she’s one of my closest friends. Keep up here, I’m being wise.” 

“Fine, lay your wisdom on me, HAO.” Ali settled back against the fluffy carpet of Heather’s living room. 

“You two, you two just need to…” Heather trailed off, searching for the right words. “Honestly, I don’t know. You’re both idiots.” 

“You already said that.” 

“Right, I did. Well, maybe you two should just talk it out when you’re less emotional. I mean, you’ve sort of stopped crying.” Heather nudged Ali with her foot. “Kriegs, Kriegs, are you awake?” There was a light snore from Ali and Heather sighed, “Idiots.” 

xx 

While Ali was drowning her sorrows in New Jersey with Heather, Ashlyn was in a trashy bar in Boston with Whitney and Kelley, buying shots for some ditzy college girl with red hair. 

Ashlyn would like to think she was thriving in the wake of her break-up, that breaking up with Ali wasn’t the worst thing in recent memory, that she had freed herself from something toxic. But that was so not the case. 

She felt like she had ripped out her heart and left it on that street corner with Ali. 

She had returned back to the house, finding Whitney perched on the front step, a mildly horrified look in her eyes. 

“Whatcha doing out here, Whit?” 

Whitney started, nearly spilling her coffee. “Ash, there you are. I was getting worried.” 

“Well, I’m back now, aren’t I?” Ash stepped around her housemate, not in the mood to rehash the events of the morning. “Tell coach I need the day off.” Whitney began to speak, but Ashlyn held up her hands. “Whitney, please. I can’t, I just can’t.” Whitney finally nodded after a long moment. 

“Fine, just this once. I’m sorry, Ash, for what it’s worth. I always liked Ali.” 

“Yeah, Whit, I did too.” Ashlyn’s jaw pulsed as she fought back tears. She turned sharply on her heel, blindly walking towards her room as her eyes filled with tears. 

Ali’s stuff was no longer scattered throughout Ashlyn’s normally neat room. The only traces of Ali were in the rumpled sheets and the lingering scent of her perfume. 

Ashlyn sank down on the bed, her hand falling on the spot where, only an hour ago, Ali had been sleeping peacefully. An hour ago, everything had been okay. And Ashlyn had ruined it all. 

She overreacted. She was such an idiot. 

She slapped the bed. No, she didn’t overreact. It was fair for her to want her partner to put an equal amount into the relationship. That wasn’t possible with Ali. 

She had to put herself first. She had to protect herself. 

But Ali’s tearstained face wouldn’t leave her alone. 

“Fuck!” Ashlyn punched at a pillow, wishing it was something harder. 

With a sniff, Ashlyn rolled onto Ali’s side of the bed, burying her face into the pillow. It was almost as if when she opened her eyes, Ali would be standing in the doorway, that stupid smile on her face. She choked out a sob, tears flooding down her cheeks. 

She was stronger than this. Ali Krieger wouldn’t break her. 

After a long cry, Ashlyn sat up, ignoring her now pounding head. She fumbled for her phone, dialing the most reasonable person she could think of. 

“Hey Heather.” 

_ “Ashlyn, what’s wrong?”  _

“What’d’ya mean, what’s wrong?” 

_ “Are we really doing this? Ashlyn Harris, I can hear that you’ve been crying. Don’t you lie to me.”  _

Ashlyn started to deny it, but there was no point. The whole story spilled out in between broken sobs and hiccups. “I just couldn’t keep being okay with it. I don’t think she ever loved me. Was I just an experiment to her?” 

_ “Ashlyn! No, you were not. Ali’s, she has issues with relationship. And she’s suddenly been thrust into the spotlight and she’s under a lot of pressure. But those are her issues. And if you want to, you can work through them with her. But ultimately, it’s your call.”  _

“Why thank you, HAO, you have been distinctly unhelpful.” Ashlyn ended the call abruptly, tossing her phone to the other end of the bed. “Fuck you, Ali.” She spat out as her chest seized painfully. 

She wasn’t going to be broken by a pretty girl with the brightest smile. 

But apparently, she was. 

The rest of the team tiptoed around Ashlyn as if she was a bear with a sore paw. Ashlyn was admittedly playing some of the best soccer of her career and that only made it worse. 

The first breaking point came after their Boston Breakers’ game when she had let in two goals from Kelley Fucking O’Hara and then Kelley Fucking O’Hara bounced over after the game and it took all of Ashlyn’s self control not to deck the girl. 

As Kelley chattered on about the game and then innocently asked about Ali, Ashlyn had to remind herself that it wasn’t Kelley’s fault. Kelley wasn’t the one she was angry with. It wasn’t Kelley’s fault. Kelley was a sweet, if sometimes overeager kid and she didn’t deserve Ashlyn’s anger. 

“Ashlyn?” Kelley waved a hand in front of her eyes. “You there, space cadet? Or are you thinking about your girlfriend?” Kelley teased, nudging Ashlyn in the ribs. 

“We broke up.” 

Kelley’s cheerful expression faltered. “What? When? Didn’t she go and see you when we got back from Germany?” 

“Yep. And we broke up. Sucks, doesn’t it?” 

Kelley glanced around nervously, looking for an escape. “That’s rough, buddy. You wanna come out with me tonight? We could totally just go have a fun girls’ night. You don’t need to head back to Buffalo until tomorrow, right?” Ashlyn nodded warily. “C’mon, Ashlyn, it’ll be fun.” 

“Those sound like famous last words,” laughed Whitney, knocking her shoulder against Ashlyn’s as she joined the conversation. “What’s going to be fun?” 

“Kelley wants to go out tonight.” 

“It’ll be fun! I swear! I’ve complied a list of the best bars in Boston. Gay, straight, dive, cowboy-” 

“You went to a cowboy bar?” 

Kelley nodded eagerly. “It was wild. But I don’t think that’s what we want tonight. I’ve got the perfect place for you, Harris. Meet me outside your hotel at 9, okay?” 

Without much awareness, Ashlyn found herself nodding along. 

And so she found herself in a somewhat trashy bar, chatting up some ginger co-ed, who was clinging to her. Jasmine, the red head, was a student at one of the universities, but there wasn’t much between her ears that Ashlyn had noticed. Jasmine was eagerly explaining some sort of Greek rivalry while Ashlyn tried to flag down the bartender. 

“Ashlyn Harris as I live and breathe,” a voice drawled in her ear, sending shivers down her spine. Ashlyn spun around and found herself nose-to-nose with a beautiful blonde. 

“Liv, hey.” Ashlyn swept her gaze over the smaller woman, the tequila in her system directing her gaze to the incredibly low cut and tight top that barely covered Liv’s admittedly impressive chest. 

She was vaguely aware of Whitney standing a few feet away swearing loudly, “Oh for fuck’s sake.” But she was far more swept up in the pretty girl in front of her who looked nothing like Ali. 

“It’s been ages hasn’t it?” Ashlyn chuckled, rubbing the back of her neck. 

Liv nodded, blinking up at her from behind thick lashed. “Almost 2 years since we last saw each other. But I wouldn’t mind getting reacquainted, would you?” 

“Not at all,” Ashlyn said, a smirk curving up her lip. “Care to dance?” 

“You read my mind.” Liv grabbed Ashlyn’s hand and dragged her out onto the dance floor. 

Whitney covered her eyes with her hand, shaking her head. She groaned as she watched her best friend lean down to whisper something in Liv’s ear. 

“Whoo! Get it, Harris!” Kelley cheered as she dropped onto a stool next to Whitney. “You look displeased.” 

“This is a disaster.” 

“What? Ashlyn dancing with some girl that’s not Ali? It’s good for her to get back out there.” 

Whitney scoffed, “Is it getting back out there if it’s her ex?” 

Kelley practically spat her drink out. “Did you say ex?” 

“Yup, meet Liv Wickham, Ashlyn’s on and off again college girlfriend. They got sort of serious the year after we graduated, but then broke things off. As far as I understand, and I know more than I would like to, the sex was great, but they don’t have much in common. I just don’t think it’s smart for Ashlyn to throw herself into a new relationship right away.” 

Kelley shrugged. “It’s just a dance. What’s the worst that could happen?” 

xx 

Ali thought it wouldn’t hurt to see Ashlyn from a distance. She thought she’d be fine watching from the stands as the Flash played Sky Blue. She thought it wouldn’t matter that she wanted nothing more than to run to Ashlyn’s side and try to explain. But a larger part of her was so beyond terrified of Ashlyn hating her, of rejecting her, of proving that Ali was not built for relationships and love. 

So she sat in the stands with Dave, trying desperately to focus on anywhere but the Flash goal. 

Ashlyn, of course, had a brilliant game. Which somehow made it worse for Ali. 

Ali tried to sneak out of the stands before any of her national teammates saw her and tried to chat, but her plans were thwarted by an excited youth team who all wanted autographs and photos. On the one hand, she loved that there was such interest in women’s soccer. But on the other hand, the longer she stayed here, the more likely it was that somebody on the field would drag her over for conversation and more likely she’d have to talk to Ashlyn. 

And as the universe had been proving for the last week and a half, luck was not on Ali’s side. 

It was Tobin who spotted her so she couldn't even muster an ounce of annoyance with the younger girl. Tobin had bounded over, Alex not far behind her, that goofy grin plastered on her face. 

“Hey Kriegs, HAO mentioned you were crashing with her until you head back to Germany.” 

“Yeah, I’ve got to back there by the end of August, so I’m just hanging out, seeing people. You guys played a good game.” 

As the younger girls chatted, Ali found her gaze straying towards Ashlyn. Allie Long was hanging off her shoulder and Ali wanted to cry. She knew they were just friends, but it just pulled at her. Allie met her gaze and her smile widened. Before Ali could move, Allie was dragging Ashlyn over towards her, Tobin and Alex. 

“Krieger!” Allie cried as she launched herself at Ali. Ali managed to catch her, taking a few stumbling steps backwards. “How’s it going, girl? Didn’t expect to see you here!” 

Ali managed a weak chuckle, “Yeah, I’m staying at Heather’s right now before I go back to Germany.” 

“You’re going back to Germany?” Ashlyn blurted out, her cheeks instantly turning red. The other three glanced between the pair of them in surprise. 

“Uh, yeah,” Ali said, extracting herself from Allie’s tight grip. “I’m heading back, like, mid-August.” 

“Oh.” Ashlyn’s eyes hardened as they focused on Ali. 

The other three were eager to leave the pair, Allie saying, “Oh, hey, let’s go say hi to HAO,” and dragging the two younger girls off. 

“What are you doing here, Ali?” 

Ali stared down at her feet, wishing the ground would swallow her whole. “Like I said, I’m staying with Heather.” 

“Until you go back to Germany,” Ashlyn finished, her tone tinged with bitterness. “What happened to staying in the US?” 

Ali shrugged one shoulder. “Germany was always an option.” 

“‘Germany was always an option’? Are you serious, Ali? This is what I was talking about, Ali. I didn’t even know you were still considering Germany!” 

“Well, it’s not your problem anymore, is it?” Ali snapped back. If Ashlyn was going to be blustery and angry, Ali thought she was quite entitled to being snippy. “We broke up. Or rather, you broke up with me.” 

“Yeah, I broke up with you, Ali. I broke up with you because I couldn’t bear to be in a relationship with you, with somebody that didn’t care.” 

“That’s where you’re wrong, Ashlyn. But clearly, you don’t want to talk. You just want to yell at me.” 

“Whatever, have your moral high ground, Ali. Hope you got your little experiment out of your system. I’m sure you’ll be very happy with whatever special man you can find in Germany.” Ashlyn turned sharply on her heel and began to walk away from Ali. 

“You’re an asshole, Ashlyn Harris!” Ali called after her, praying they were still far enough that this wasn’t being heard by everyone on the field. 

Ashlyn glanced over her shoulder, flashing a dark smirk that turned Ali’s stomach. “Right back atcha, Princess.” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> brief timeline for those of you keeping track at home. 
> 
> 19 july: ali arrives back in the us   
> 21 july: wny v magicjack game   
> 22 july: they break up  
> 24 july: boston game  
> 30 july: sky blue game 
> 
> again, i'm sorry, but i'm really not sorry because this is some peak angst. and it's only gonna get worse *jean-ralphio voice* 
> 
> ALSO i'm still in shock about today i'm so so happy. i hope everybody knows how important these moments are - if not for 2011, i wouldn't have tried to play at as high of a level as possible. if not for people like ali and rapinoe and so many others, i wouldn't have had the strength to come back from consecutive knee injuries. if not for 2015, i wouldn't've pushed to play more competitively which has led to me playing in the uk. these moments are so important and i'm so proud. 
> 
> leave a note
> 
> much love
> 
> b xx


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alt title: whit and HAO might kick someone's ass. probably ashlyn's. definitely ashlyn's.

_ chapter four.  _

“How do you feel about heading to Boston for a few days?” Heather asked as she and Ali knocked a ball around her backyard. “I know you’re heading back to Germany in like a week, but Kelley’s doing a little thing for her birthday.” 

“Yeah, she left me a voicemail while I was on a call with the Nike reps.” Ali bounced the ball on her foot a few times before volleying it back to Heather. “I’d be up for it, but…” Ali trailed off. 

“Ashlyn,” finished Heather, her kind eyes filled with a pity that made Ali’s skin crawl. “Look, I know it’s not what you want to hear, but you two are going to have to be around each other at some point. You’re both in the national pool and like, you have loads of mutual friends.”

Ali sighed heavily, wishing in that moment she had never left Frankfurt. “I know, I know. I just, I don’t know how to be around her.” Heather nodded sympathetically before firing the ball somewhere around Ali’s knee. Ali hopped back to receive it, glowering at Heather in the process. “Cute, HAO.” 

“Just checking you’ve still got it. Would hate for the Germans to send you back.” 

“Ha ha. You’re hilarious.” 

“Thanks, I know.” Heather laughed, but then turned serious once more. “If you could, would you get back together with Ashlyn?” 

Without hesitation, Ali nodded. “Of course. But I don’t think she would take me back. I’m not, I can’t give her what she wants. She’s all in, all the time. And I’m much more cautious. And I care so much for her, but I don’t know if I love her.” 

“Really, Ali?” 

Ali pressed a hand to her forehead. She had been having this discussion for ages now, it felt like. She was trapped in a cycle. She couldn’t figure out if she was in love with Ashlyn and it was tearing her apart. 

“Ali.” 

“I do. I do think I love her. But I’ve done too much damage now.” 

Heather knocked the ball towards the far end of the garden before joining Ali near the deck. Heather fell back against one of the deck chairs. She motioned for Ali to join her. “You know, I think that there’s always hope. You and Ash have just been in such different places. It’s hard to build a relationship like that. Ali, that girl is head over heels for you.” 

Ali buried her face in her hands. Despite the fact that Ashlyn had told her so many times that she loved her, Ali had a hard time fully believing her, much less being able to say it back. “It’s just all a lot. We’ve only known each other for like ten months. And for a large part of that, we weren’t even in the same country. And yet, I care so deeply for her.” 

“So tell her that!” Heather smacked Ali’s shoulder gently. “You guys just need to talk it out. You’re both feeling hurt and sensitive right now. But it’s only been like a week since you broke up. You need to talk to her. At least try to get some closure before you leave for Germany. No one plays well if they’re heartbroken.” 

“What, just walk up to her at Kelley’s and say, ‘oh hey, Ash, sorry I’m apparently a selfish asshole who’s totally unable to maintain a relationship. Take me back please?’” Ali let out a self-deprecating chuckle, tugging at her hair. “Somehow, I don’t think that’ll work.” 

“You gotta have faith, Als. I’m rooting for you two crazy kids.” 

xx 

As soon as she walked into the bar, Ali found a rather excited Kelley O’Hara hanging off her neck. “You made it!” 

Ali wrapped an arm around Kelley’s waist to stabilise them before one of them fell. “It’s good to see you too, Kells,” she chuckled. 

Kelley soon released Ali in favor of Heather, who spun the birthday girl around. Kelley grabbed both their hands, dragging them to the corner of the bar where she had set up her party. 

“Kreiger!” Ali was mobbed by various teammates, finding herself wedged between Heather Mitts and Lori. “A little birdy told me that you’re headed back to Europe,” prompted Lori, nudging her with her elbow. 

“Uh, yeah. Frankfurt wanted me back. And I wasn’t sold on playing in the US. There’s not much keeping me here.” Ali wanted nothing less than to sink into the ground as a few of her teammates overheard and stared inquiringly. 

Lori was the first to speak, “I thought you and Ash-” 

“We broke up.” A hush fell over the crowd, but was thankfully broken by Kelley dragging Hope over with a tray of shots. 

Lori tugged on Ali’s arm until Ali turned to face her. “Ali, what happened?” 

“I don’t want to talk about it. It’s between me and Ashlyn. Don’t worry. We’re both being adults about it.” 

xx 

Whitney wouldn’t say that Ashlyn was acting like a child who had lost its favorite toy persay, but she also wouldn’t deny it if pressed. Ever since she had run into Ali in New Jersey, Ashlyn had been steadily turning down a path of alternating anger and depression. Ashlyn had had her moments before. But this felt different to Whit, more crushing and without end in sight. 

It certainly didn’t help how intertwined their professional and personal lives where. The brief conversation they had in New Jersey seemed to have a two-fold effect on the goalkeeper: firstly, she was pissed at Ali’s decision to leave for Germany again, and secondly, she was heartbroken that Ali had always been hedging her bets for Germany. It was just the cherry on top of the pre-existing issues that had cracked their relationship. 

Whitney, for her part, regretted the accidental role she had played in the break-up, but only to some extent. She had watched Ashlyn stumble in and out of relationships for going on 8 years now and it was just short of tragic how invested Ashlyn would get in relationships. Ashlyn threw herself into relationships with stars in her eyes and very rarely did it work out for her. 

But this, this was unlike what Whitney had seen before. Ashlyn wasn’t just heartbroken, she was practically devastated and becoming self-destructive. And it had barely been 10 days. 

Ashlyn’s continuous desire for self-destruction was exactly why Whitney thought going back to Boston to visit Kelley was a mistake. Because in Boston, Ali would likely be there and so would Liv. 

It would seem that Ashlyn was out to give Whitney a heart attack as they approached the bar Kelley had chosen and there was a tall blonde waiting for them. 

“Hey Liv,” Ashlyn said as she pressed a kiss to the corner of Liv’s mouth. 

“Hey, Ashie, I’m so glad you called.” Liv was quick to wrap an arm around Ashlyn’s waist, holding her close to her side. “Oh, and Whitney’s here too.” 

“How have you been, Liv?” 

Liv shrugged before focusing back on Ashlyn. “Shall we go in? I can’t wait to meet all your friends and teammates.” Ashlyn nodded, somehow pressing closer to Ashlyn. 

Whitney could only hope that Ali wasn’t inside as the trio walked in, otherwise there would not be enough alcohol in the bar to get Whitney through this evening. 

xx 

HAO was the first of the party to see Ashlyn and she instantly regretted everything. The image of Ali crying on her porch burned before her as she took in who else had come in with Ashlyn. 

“Hey HAO,” Ashlyn called out as she joined Heather at the bar. “Didn’t know you’d be here.” 

“Uh-huh. Kelley invited  _ everyone _ .”

There was a quiet cough on Ashlyn’s other side, prompting Ashlyn. “Oh, Heather, you remember Liv, right? She graduated from UNC with us.” Ashlyn gestured to the pretty blonde on her elbow with such a shit eating grin Heather almost wanted to punch her. 

“Oh, of course, Liv. It’s just great to see you again.” She flashed a smile at Liv, but her gaze turned cold as she focused back on Ashlyn. She fully understood that Ashlyn was just as, if not more heartbroken than Ali, but that was no excuse for being a dick. 

“Do you want a drink, HAO?” Ashlyn asked as she flagged down the bartender. “Babe, what about you?” Liv rattled off a slightly too complex order that made Heather internally wince as the bartender rolled his eyes. 

“No, I’m good. I’m just waiting for drinks for me and Al.” Ashlyn’s jaw clenched, but she didn’t rise to the bait. The other bartender finally returned with the two drinks, much to Heather’s relief. She leaned into Ashlyn’s side and whispered, “I hope you know what you’re doing.” 

Ashlyn just flashed a self-satisfied smirk that made Heather seriously consider kicking her old friend. 

Heather collected the two drinks and made her way back to their corner, nearly knocking into Whitney who looked as exasperated as Heather felt. 

“Hey, Whit. Just saw Ash. And Liv. When did that start happening?” 

Whitney sighed heavily and rolled her eyes, “Like a week ago we ran into her here in Boston with Kelley. I had no idea Ashlyn invited her. Believe me, I think this is a bad idea.” 

“Ali was going to try to talk to her tonight, I think. Try to get some closure for both of them.” 

Whitney scrubbed a hand over her face. “On the one hand, I think that would be great and could solve a lot of their issues. On the other hand, Ashlyn’s been in a state and I don’t know how receptive she’ll be to whatever Ali has to say.” 

“Great. Just great. Who would’ve thought it’d be a mistake for teammates to date?” 

Whitney let out a choked laugh. “God, yeah. Although, I don’t think any of us could’ve anticipate what’s going on.” 

Before Whitney could respond, Kelley wrapped an arm around each of their shoulders. “I’m so happy to have all of my friends here!” She stretched out the last word as she guided them over to a high top table with a tray of shots. “You are legally required to do shots with me. It’s my birthday.” 

Heather glanced over to where Ali was in deep discussion with Mitts and Lori, her back to the bar where Ashlyn was flirting with Liv. “One sec, Kell, I just gotta go over and talk to Ali.” 

“You’ve been talking to Ali the whole time she’s been crashing with you!” Kelley kept her arm wrapped tight around Heather’s neck. “It’s my birthday!” 

Heather managed to glance up at Hope, who was watching the whole proceeding with a quiet bemusement. “I don’t even know how much she’s had to drink at this point.” 

“Fine, Kell, one shot.” 

Kelley cheered and handed Heather a shot. “One for me, one for you.” They took the shot and Heather moved to leave again, but found herself trapped by the crowd. She strained to find Ali or Ashlyn, and unfortunately, she found both of them at the same time.

xx 

It was as if she had a sixth sense for Ashlyn’s presence when Ashlyn arrived. She twisted in her seat to find Ashlyn standing on the edge of the group, chatting with Lauren. 

“I’ll be right back,” Ali said softly to Mitts and Lori before standing up and making her way over to Ashlyn. Almost too soon, she found herself in front of Ashlyn. Ashlyn who looked so fine and normal and unaffected by everything, whereas Ali felt like she was carrying the weight of their breakup on her shoulders like a cloak. “Hey, uh, Ashlyn, can we talk?” 

The ice in Ashlyn’s normally warm eyes was a shock to Ali’s system, but she pushed it down. “Fine.” 

The pair moved to a slightly quieter area of the bar, away from the inquisitive ears of their teammates. 

“You wanted to talk. Talk.” 

Ali bit the inside of her cheek, closing her eyes briefly. “I, uh, I don’t know where to start, what to say.” 

“So nothing’s changed then. Great, so are we good, then?” 

Tears pricked at the corners of Ali’s eyes. “Ash, no, please, I’m sorry, I’m trying. This, we can’t go on like this.” 

“We?” 

“Fuck, you know what I’m trying to say.” 

“Honestly, Ali, I don’t.” 

“I care about you, Ashlyn. So, so deeply. And I’m beyond sorry that you didn’t know that when we were together. But I miss you and I just wanted to tell you that I…” Ali trailed off as a tall blonde draped herself over Ashlyn’s shoulders. “I, um, uh.” 

“Ash, baby, won’t you introduce me to your friend?” 

And it was like the air had been knocked from her lungs. Ali tried to school her features as quickly as possible, but she knew that there was no way she was able to conceal the hurt. 

Ashlyn’s face lit up. “Liv, this is Ali, Ali, Liv. Me and Ali have been to a few national camps together. She even played in the World Cup, isn’t that right, Ali?” 

“Yeah,” she choked out, not trusting her voice. 

“Oh, that’s so cool. It’s great to meet you, Alex.” 

“It’s Ali.” 

“Right.” Liv spared Ali half a glance before whispering not so quietly in Ashlyn’s ear, “What do you say we get out of here?” 

Ashlyn’s gaze flickered to Ali momentarily, the faintest hint of hesitation and sadness visible. “Sounds great, babe.” 

“I gotta go,” Ali managed, making a beeline for the patio as she saw Ashlyn leaning into Liv for a kiss. She stumbled through the crowd, pushing out into the fresh air. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.” 

“Ali?” 

“Oh hey, Tobin.” Ali swiped away the few tears that slipped from her eyes. “Whatcha doing out here?” 

“Just needed a breather. And Kelley is endeavouring to get everyone to do at least one shot with her. Last I saw, she had HAO, Whitney and Hope trapped.” Ali managed a wet chuckle. “You okay, Kriegs?” 

“I don’t know, Tobin. I really don’t know.” 

Tobin patted the spot on the picnic bench next to her with a smile. Ali gratefully sat down, leaning slightly into Tobin. “You know, it’s okay not to be okay sometimes. We all have these times where all seems lost, as if there is no hope, as if we can do no right.” Ali swallowed a sob, but couldn’t stop the tears. 

How could Ashlyn have moved on so quickly? How could she do that? 

Tobin wrapped Ali in a one-armed hug, allowing Ali to cry into her shoulder. “Trust me, Ali, everything will work itself out. It always does, one way or another.” 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'd apologize, but i'm also really not sorry about the angst. trust me, the pay off will be sweet. 
> 
> there will be a time jump in the next chapter so it will defs pick up the pace. 
> 
> would love to hear from you all!! 
> 
> the next chapter may be up tomorrow morning depending on if i sleep on my flight to the uk or not. back to training for me! can't wait for fitness testing! send thoughts and prayers pls 
> 
> much love 
> 
> b xx


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alt chapter title: the attack of the voicemail

_ chapter five.  _

Elation. Pure elation. That was the only word Ashlyn could use to describe the feeling as she made the save. Before her mind quite caught up with her, she took off from her line, screaming for her teammates and spinning her arms like a mad woman. 

Within seconds, she was mobbed by the rest of the team, someone nearly tackling her to the ground. She practically couldn’t tell where the team began and she ended. It was just one continuous mass of people. 

And it was beautiful.

Eventually, they extracted themselves from each other, still grinning widely. At one point, Alex had launched herself onto Ashlyn’s shoulders, forcing Ashlyn to carry her around for a good five minutes. 

It was a glorious moment, up there with the other championship games of her career, those with UNC and the U-20 team and the junior baseball tournament she had won with her brother when she was 10. 

And still, she felt empty. Her eyes strayed to the stands constantly, as if a certain somebody would appear as if by magic. But she was an ocean and six hours away. Ashlyn doubted Ali even knew that it was the WPS championship today given her disinterest in playing domestically. 

Nicole came up behind her and clapped her on the shoulder. “You did well out there.” 

Ashlyn managed a bright smile as she turned to face the opposing keeper. “Thanks, Barney, it could’ve gone either way.” 

“You’re the future, Harris, keep it up. I know one of these days it’s going to be your name on that World Cup roster, as the starting keeper.” 

Ashlyn’s cheeks flushed red, and it certainly wasn’t from the game. “Um, wow, that means a lot coming from you.” 

“Now, go on, go celebrate, Harris. You earned it.” 

“Thanks, Barney. Again, good game.” 

Barney flashed her a small smile before heading back towards her team. As Ashlyn entered the lockeroom, there was a loud cheer, and once again, Ashlyn found somebody on her back. 

This time it was Whitney screaming in her ear. The pair of them had always done this together. It was practically tradition at this point. 

The celebrations continued well in the morning as the Sahlens treated the team to a fancy dinner and then a trip to one of the fancier bars in the area. 

Whitney and Ashlyn didn’t manage to stumble back into their house until the early hours of the morning, both leaning on the other for support and giggling. 

“Love you, Whit,” crooned Ashlyn, pressing a wet kiss to Whitney’s cheek. “You’re the best friend a gal could ask for. You put up with all my shit, and I know I’ve been a real massive bummer for like a month now. But you know who’s fault that is?” 

Whitney shoved at Ashlyn’s shoulder. “Yeah, yours, you jerk.” 

Ashlyn pouted, her bottom lip jutting out ridiculously. “Nah,” she cried, flopping back onto the couch. “‘S’all Ali’s fault. If she wasn’t so pretty, and nice, and pretty, and amazing, she never coulda broken my heart. But she’s perfect. And I’m not, so who was I kiddin’? ‘Twas doomed from the start. So I’ve decided.” 

“And what have you decided, Ash?” Whitney asked from her position slumped against the couch on the floor. 

Ashlyn managed to raise her head slightly to meet Whitney’s gaze. “I don’t care anymore. I don’t care about Ali Krieger.” The words felt false in her mouth, sour and untrue. But maybe if she said it enough times, it would be true and her chest wouldn’t ache. 

Maybe it would no longer feel as if all the stars had fallen from the sky and left her in the darkness with no light in sight. Maybe it wouldn’t feel as if Ali had stolen her heart away from her. Maybe she could find happiness again. 

What was that phrase, time heals all wounds? That would have to work for her. It had to. Otherwise, Ashlyn was convinced, she would waste away into sadness and gloom. 

“Sure thing, Ash. Sure thing.” Whitney pushed herself up to her feet. “I’m gonna go to bed. Don’t wake me up before 11. Also, you left your cell phone charging in the kitchen FYI.” Ashlyn blew a kiss to her roommate before stumbling to her feet towards the kitchen. 

A glass of water would do her a world of good. So would a grilled cheese. 

Ashlyn bumbled through gathering the supplies and tossed the sandwich in a pan. By no means her best work, but it would do in a pinch. 

Her phone had a handful of notifications. Calls and messages from her family and former teammates and friends congratulating her on her win. And there it was, buried between her brother and her grandmother, a foreign number that Ashlyn could practically recite from memory. 

Without a second thought, Ashlyn raised the phone to listen to whatever Ali had to say.

(Ashlyn never claimed to not be a machoist.)

_ “Uh, hey, Ash. I’m sure you’re, I know you’re probably busy. And you probably don’t want to hear from me. But, uh, I watched the final over here. Nadine asked me to tell you that you were very impressive. But, um, yeah, uh, congrats on the championship. I, uh, I’m really proud of you. Uh, yeah, that’s it. Um, yeah. Congrats again.”  _

Ali’s stumbling message was tinged by the odd European accent she tended to pick up whenever she was in Germany, speaking only German. It was perfection, even to Ashlyn’s bruised heart. 

“How dare she?” Ashlyn mumbled as she stared at her phone. “What right does she have?” The crackle of the grilled cheese interrupted Ashlyn’s grumbling and she dove to save her sandwich from burning. Once her late night snack was safe, Ashlyn resumed her contemplation of Ali’s message. 

After the first half of her grilled cheese, Ashlyn picked up her phone and redialled Ali. She wasn’t sure if she’d rather Ali pick up or have the chance to leave a message.

There was a long German message that quite honestly gave her a headache. But then there was the beep. 

“Who the fuck do you think you are, Alexandra Krieger? Who are you to break my heart to pieces, literal, actual pieces and then stomp all over it and then do something sweet like calling to congratulate me? What the fuck?” Ashlyn inhaled sharply as the room began to spin. “I’m tryin’, I’m tryin’ so hard. And honestly, Ali, at this point, I hate you. I think I hate you. And it sucks. Because everything reminds me of you. Like right now. I cut my grilled cheese into triangles! I never used to do that. Not until you. You ruined me. I hope you’re happy. Because ya know what, fuck you, Ali. Absolutely fuck you. I still lo-“ The rest of Ashlyn’s sentence was cut off by a long beep signalling the end of the recording. 

“Fuck,” moaned Ashlyn, dropping her head into her hands. 

She glanced back at her phone, thumbing through the messages. There was one from Liv. 

_ Liv [08/27/2011 6:09 PM]: Hey baby, I heard you won your game! That’s so awesome! Wanna come down to Boston to celebrate? I think I can get Friday off work to spend it with you. Kisses  _

Ashlyn shook her head with a grimace. At least Liv wanted to be around her. 

_ Ashlyn [08/28/2019]: Livvv yesss I’ll come down to boston and we can totally hang and fuck  _

Yep, that seemed that a perfectly normal and healthy response. 

Ashlyn was doing perfectly fine. She was totally fine.

xx

Ali was perfectly fine. If you asked her that is. If you asked basically anyone else, they might have a slightly different answer. 

Her play was perfectly fine, if not slightly better than it had been before the World Cup. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was her smile, according to most of her teammates. Ali was known for her infectious, shining smile. But it rarely made an appearance. 

Within a week of Ali’s return to Frankfurt, Nadine had cornered her after a fitness session, her stern countenance filled with concern. 

“Krieger, what happened to you?” 

“Hm? Oh nothing. Just jet lag.” 

“Jet lag does not make your eyes sad.” 

“No, just a broken heart.” 

“Your keeper left you.” 

“The semantics of the whole situation are complicated, but yes, we split up. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. And it won’t affect my play, I promise.” 

“Oh, Ali, I’m sorry to hear that.” Nadine drew her into a warm hug, but it certainly wasn’t the keeper Ali wanted to be hugging. 

Nadine and the other senior players on the team had begun a habit of checking in on Ali every few days, dragging her out of her apartment to lunches and bars and walks in the park. Ali clung to their friendship, desperate to find something that wasn’t connected to Ashlyn and thankfully, there were limited memories of Ashlyn in Germany. 

Except for that was a lie. 

Ali had returned to her small apartment in Frankfurt and found so many traces of Ashlyn. There was the picture frame on her dresser that Ashlyn had given her for Valentine’s Day filled with an adorable photo Abby had taken of them at New Years. Or there was the little vase she and Ashlyn had found in a flea market when Ashlyn visited last spring. 

There were train ticket stubs and concert and movie tickets and pressed flowers pressed between the pages of Ali’s favorite books. Ashlyn’s presence was inescapable, even across an ocean. 

But Ali couldn’t bring herself to get rid of them. Even at Kyle’s urging that she at least store them in a box, she just couldn’t do it. She wasn’t sure if it was out of sentimentality or out of a desire to punish herself. 

Not that she would tell anyone, but when she unpacked her suitcase and found a worn UNC shirt at the bottom, Ali had sobbed and finished off a bottle of wine on her own. And she definitely wouldn’t tell anybody that she had tucked Ashlyn’s shirt into her pillow, the scent of Ashlyn slowly leaving it each night. 

Things came to a peak at the end of the month. Ali could barely believe that it had been a month since Ashlyn had dumped her on that street corner. That it had been a month since Ali had tried to explain herself and Ashlyn had shown up with a woman from her college days, at least according to Heather. 

The WPS championship weighed heavily on Ali’s mind in the day before. On the one hand, she wanted to watch and support all those she knew. On the other hand, she wasn’t sure if her heart could take it. 

After only a bit of begging, Nadine had agreed to watch the final with her, but in her words, “wanted none of your moping for the entire game. Just football, no heartbreak.” 

Ali managed that. It was easy to get caught up in the excitement of the game. She didn’t pick a side, but she certainly leaned towards the Flash over Philadelphia. 

As the game spiralled into a penalty shootout, Ali was certain her heart was going to burst from her rib cage every time Ashlyn walked up to the line. 

Nadine joked that this was reconnaissance on the American goalkeepers for next World Cup. Ali shot back that Germany didn’t even make the final this year, earning her a pillow to the face. 

And then Ashlyn had done it. She had saved it. And she had won. The look on Ashlyn’s face was everything to Ali. That was how she wanted to remember Ashlyn. Not the tears she shed in the rain on that street corner. Not the quiet disdain from the bar in Boston. She wanted to remember Ashlyn grinning and cheering. She would hold on to this. 

“You should call her to congratulate her.” 

“Nadine, no. We’re broken up.” 

“You are still teammates. And teammates congratulate each other. You should tell her that I found her impressive. And not to brag, but I am considered the top of my field.” 

Ali choked out a laugh. “Please, please tell Hope that. It would make my year. No, my decade. That might even get her to go chat with some reporter about German cockiness.” 

“I believe the word you are looking for is confidence.” Nadine winked before motioning to Ali’s phone. “Call your keeper.” 

“She’s not my keeper. As I’m sure you can recall.” 

“Yes, yes, your very sad eyes that I have to look at all the time during practice.” 

“What are you even talking about? I spend most of my time with my back to you.” 

Nadine rolled her eyes, gesturing loosely with her hands. “And yet, I still know you have mopey sad eyes. All you have to do is say congrats. It’s not rocket science by any means. Are you scared, little warrior?” 

Ali let out an exasperated sigh before picking up her phone. “You know, Nadine, I think you must be my least favorite keeper, and that’s saying something these days.” 

“A badge I shall wear with pride. Call her.” 

Ali held up her hands defensively. “Geez, okay, I’m going, I’m going.” 

“Uh, hey, Ash. I’m sure you’re, I know you’re probably busy. And you probably don’t want to hear from me. But, uh, I watched the final over here. Nadine asked me to tell you that you were very impressive. But, um, yeah, uh, congrats on the championship. I, uh, I’m really proud of you. Uh, yeah, that’s it. Um, yeah. Congrats again.” Ali ended the call and buried her face in her arms. 

“I think that went well,” said Nadine, her tone full of false levity. 

“Just kill me now,” mumbled Ali into her arm. “Seriously, you have a lot of other defenders. Let somebody else play right back. I’ll just be here, regretting everything on my couch.” 

It was almost prophetic that Ali rued regret on that couch because within twenty-four hours, she found herself in the same position. 

Upon her return from the game is Leipzig, she found a voicemail from Ashlyn from earlier in the day. She’d be lying if she said she hadn’t been hopeful. But it was the opposite of good. In fact, it was categorically bad. 

Ali wasn’t sure what the worst part was. The part where Ashlyn emphatetically declared her hatred for Ali was certainly up there. Even the bit about the grilled cheese messed with Ali’s head. 

It seemed Ali just couldn’t get things right. 

As she stared around her empty apartment, Ali felt crushed by the all consuming loneliness of it all. She was all alone. 

And so she decided to do something about it. Ali was going to a bar. It was a totally, absolutely great idea. There was a little gay bar not far from her apartment that her team had gone to before. Ali was going to find some girl, who looked nothing like Ashlyn, and she was going to flirt with her, maybe buy her a drink, maybe take her home. She decided all of this as she slipped into a little black dress that she determinly ignored had been worn on her fourth date with Ashlyn. 

And thus, Ali sat herself at a small German bar and sipped at a Coke while 90’s German pop blared in the background. She cast her gaze around the bar, surveying the other patrons. 

There was a young couple in one corner, clearly on a first date as one girl fiddled nervously with her hair while the other struggled to make eye contact. There was a group of girls celebrating somebody’s birthday. So far, there were no prospects for Ali. 

Maybe this was a mistake. God, she hadn’t tried to pick somebody up in a bar in years. What was she thinking?

“Penny for your thoughts?” Ali startled slightly at the voice in her ear. 

“Oh god!” She squeaked in English. Her mind caught up with her a second later and switched back to German. “Sorry, I was lost in thought.” 

“Are you American?” 

“Yes.” 

“Your German is impressive.” 

Ali flashed a smile, trying to remember how to flirt. “I would hope so.” 

“I’m Gabrielle. And what is your name?” 

“I’m Ali. And so glad to meet you.” 

Gabrielle winked at her, moving to lean against the bar next to Ali. “Who am I to deny a beautiful woman of my company?” Ali took a moment to examine the woman beside her (and primarily compare her to Ashlyn). Where Ashlyn was pure athleticism, the German was all soft curves, and much shorter, more at Ali’s height. She had a neat bob, styled carefully in brunette waves, so unlike Ashlyn’s blonde unruly hair. All in all, she was suitablely unlike Ashlyn. 

Ali threw herself into flirting with the other woman, ignoring the tightness in her chest. She learned that Gabrielle worked in engineering, was a Taurus and was fond of Japanese food. 

Sooner than expected, it was nearing midnight and Ali began to excuse herself. 

“Perhaps I could walk you home?” Gabrielle offered, her mouth practically against Ali’s ear as one of her hands stroked Ali’s knee. 

“I’d like that.” 

As they walked through the quiet streets of Frankfurt, Ali pushed away memories of Ashlyn. She wasn’t thinking about how on their first date Ali had accidentally spilled red wine on Ashlyn’s crisp white shirt, cutting their date short, but ending in a perfect goodnight kiss. 

When Gabrielle kissed her outside her apartment, her hands holding Ali’s hips, she didn’t think about how much bigger Ashlyn’s hands were, how secure she felt when Ashlyn held her. 

When she invited Gabrielle in for a night cap, she didn’t think about how on their second date, Ashlyn had made them hot chocolate and they exchange sweet, sugary kisses on the couch as they watched  _ The Princess Bride _ . 

When Gabrielle began to push her black dress up her thighs, she wasn’t thinking of how Ashlyn’s eyes had darkened when Ali had walked in wearing this dress and how their fourth date was limited to Ashlyn’s bedroom. 

When Gabrielle kissed her, Ali knew it was wrong. She tasted like German beer and menthol cigarettes and bubble gum. She didn’t taste like yellow Gatorade and mint gum. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” mumbled Ali, pushing Gabrielle away from her. She stared up at the other woman, wishing she was taller and blonder and Ashlyn. “I can’t do this.” 

“Was it something I did?” Gabrielle asked as she rolled off of Ali, her brow tight. 

Ali shook her head quickly. “No, no, it’s me. I’m sorry. I thought I could do this.” 

Gabrielle watched her with an appraising eye. “You’ve had your heartbroken.” 

“That obvious, huh? I’m sorry. I’m just, I’m not over my ex. You’re absolutely lovely. But it wouldn’t be fair to you. I’m sorry.” 

“Please, Ali, stop apologising. You have done nothing wrong.” Gabrielle reached across the bed to pat Ali’s hand. “It was lovely to meet you. I hope your heart begins to heal. I’ll see myself out.” 

Ali bit her lip and nodded, not trusting herself not to cry if she spoke. A few moments later, the front door clicked shut behind Gabrielle. 

Through broken sobs, Ali peeled her stupid dress off and chucked it in the corner she had designated for dirty laundry. After a brief hesitation, she pulled Ashlyn’s shirt out from under her pillow and slipped it on. The blue fabric, so worn it was nearly threadbare at this point, did little to stem Ali’s sobs as she curled up on the bed. 

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, Ash. I don’t want anyone but you,” she sobbed into the quietness of her bedroom. “I think I’m in love with you.” 

And Ashlyn hated her. 

How poetic. 

Ashlyn fell out of love with her as Ali realised she had been in love with her. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um you’re welcome. This came out of nowhere and originally was supposed to span like three months not 48 hours, but alas. The next chapter may take a few days, because i’ve got to settle in and then start training, but like, who knows. 
> 
> The angst is real and there’s no end in sight. Yet. 
> 
> Hope you’re all enjoying - i’ve been loving all your comments! Keep ‘em coming! 
> 
> much love
> 
> b


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alt chapter title: return of the voicemail.
> 
> ft. everyone's favorite brother

_chapter six._

“If I say something, do you promise not to bite my head off?” Ali twisted in her chair to pin her brother with a glare. “That’s not exactly reassuring, Al.” 

Ali let out a long sigh. “What is it, Kyle?” He had that look in his eye, the one that she had become all too familiar with in the past few months. She knew it was pity, but it was worse than that. It was pity born of an accusation of guilt. Everyone around her recognized that Ali needed to shoulder the blame for the breakup, at least equal to Ashlyn. 

“I say this with love, and you know I love you, I am your older brother, and again, I love you.” 

“Kyle, c’mon, just tell me whatever it is you felt necessary to fly to Germany to tell me.” 

Kyle squirmed a bit under her glare but held firm. “You need to talk to Ashlyn.” 

Ali shot up, throwing her hands in the air. “What on earth should I have to talk to her about? She doesn’t want anything to do with me, and quite frankly, I don’t blame her.” 

“Alex, don’t say that.” 

“Then don’t tell me to talk to her. We’ve said everything that needs to be said.” Ali was fully aware that she sounded like a petulant child. But she, quite frankly, didn’t care.

And then Kyle was looking at her with his wide eyes and she wanted to throw something at him.

“Ali, I’m worried about you. Mom’s worried about you. Dad’s worried about you. Als, some of your teammates have reached out to me.”

That stung. Ali thought she was doing well. She might not have been thriving per se. But she was trying.

Sure, most of her free time was spent on a treadmill or running the various streets of Frankfurt. Or spent watching reruns of _The Real Housewives_. Or half-heartedly going on blind dates set up by her teammates.

The last one had been pure comedy fodder.

A fellow American abroad, her date had led with his illustrious Division 3 hockey career and made numerous comparisons to her own. And it had been made worse when he revealed he was from Arizona. After his in-depth description of his senior season before the appetizer, Ali had begged off with a headache.

“Gee thanks, Kyle. So glad to have your support.”

Kyle moved to the side of the couch nearest to her. “Ali,” he implored, “you need to make a choice. You love her, I know you do. You may not admit it to me, or even yourself. But damn it, Ali, you love that girl. And if she doesn’t feel the same way anymore, then that’s that. And that would suck, I know. But I would be absolutely shocked if she didn’t love you. And you owe it to her to at least tell her you love her. And I know that you think you’re bad at relationships and you’re scared but-“

“You’re right.”

Kyle froze mid-word, his eyebrows shooting up into his hairline. He shifted to kneel in front of his sister, hands resting on her knees. “Wait, what?”

Ali stared at the spines of the German books on her bookshelf, unable to meet Kyle’s intense gaze. She let out a shaky breath that pulled on her ribcage. “I love her. I’m in love with her.” She managed to meet her brother’s eyes even as her eyes filled with tears. “And you know what the worst part is? I know for a fact, a fact, that she hates me.”

Instantly, Kyle’s demeanour softened. “Oh, sweetheart,” cooed Kyle as he gathered her into his arms, petting her hair gently. He let her sob into his shoulder for a long while, gently rocking her back and forth. “There’s no way Ashlyn hates you.”

“No,” Ali whimpered, shaking her head into his shoulder. “I know she does.”

“Ali, that girl couldn’t say no to you last time I saw her. I highly doubt that she could tell you she hates you.”

After a long moment, Ali extracted herself from his arms and grabbed her cell phone. “Um, I got this like a month ago now? Um, yeah, it’s not great.” She pressed on the voicemail Ashlyn had left her.

(It’s not like Ali knew it by heart at this point. It’s not like Ali had made it into an admittedly bad habit of listening to it every few days. It’s not like the words echoed in the middle of the night when she couldn’t sleep.)

As Kyle listened, his expression slowly morphed from sadness to anger and back to sadness again.

“Well, clearly she was drunk, because she wouldn’t do that if she wasn’t drunk.” Even Kyle couldn’t make ‘Who the fuck do you think you are, Alexandra Krieger?’ and ‘I think I hate you’ not sound like the shattering of Ali’s heart.

Ali pushed herself away from him, her arms curling protectively around her stomach, which hadn’t stopped aching in the month since.

“And she just did this out of the blue?”

“Yeah, I mean, yeah, no, it wasn’t out of the blue.” Ali tugged a hand through her hair, feeling as if her skin was crawling. She began to pace, her hands agitating at her side. “I left her a message after the WPS final. I watched it with Nadine and like, I wanted to support her and tell her I was proud of her. I don’t know. I shouldn’t have done it I guess.”

Kyle appraised her from his place on the floor. He tapped the wood floors in a random pattern, watching as Ali made her way to one end of the room before turning sharply on her heel. “Well, I don’t think you shouldn’t’ve done it. But I can also see why it would be hard for Ashlyn.”

“Yeah,” sighed Ali, her shoulders slumping in dejection. “I mean, yeah. It’ll be fine.” The phrase was posed more as a question than a statement and Ali couldn’t help but feel like she had asked Kyle this before.

She could remember being 5 years old and crashing her bike into a tree and asking Kyle if it’d be fine while he carried her bike home. Or when their parents sat them down. Or when she started getting letters from colleges while Kyle was slipping away from her. Or when she left for university and Kyle was barely there, just a shell of the boy she had worshipped.

Before Kyle could reassure her that it wasn’t the end of the world, her phone began to buzz in his hand.

“Um, Ali, not to stress you out or say that the universe is giving you a sign or anything, but Ashlyn’s calling.”

Ali gaped at him. She shook her head in shock. “No, no, no, no. I can’t talk to her. I don’t know what to say!”

“Ali! Pull yourself together! You love her!”

“Kyle!”

“Alexandra!”

Kyle shoved the phone into her hands. “Answer it, Ali!”

Ali stared at the photo of Ashlyn she had taken what felt like ages ago, her eyes crinkled in a smile. She wanted to throw up. Or throw her phone out the window. Both seemed like viable options at this point.

xx

“Uh, hey, Ali, I’m sure you’re in training or something,” Ashlyn chuckled, the sound getting stuck somewhere in her throat, “Um, but I wanted to give you a call. I’m back home, visiting my grandma in the off season. And I think I was maybe, you know, overly, ah, that’s not the right word. Sorry, I’m not good at this. But, you, uh, sorry, I shouldn’t’ve called.” She ended the call and immediately wanted to throw her phone into the ocean.

She gazed out over the choppy waves, watching as a bird swooped low into the water then shot back into the air.

Normally she felt a sense of calm when she sat on the beach, just watching the waves moving and flow. But after whatever that voicemail was, calm was the last thing she was feeling.

“Fuck,” she groaned, leaning back into the sand dune she had propped herself up on. “God, you’re such an idiot, Harris.”

She didn’t even really know why she called Ali.

That was a lie.

Somehow, Ali had wormed her way into every aspect of her life. When Ashlyn had walked into her grandma’s house, the second question out of her grandma’s mouth had been asking about that pretty girl Ashlyn had brought over the last time she visited.

The disappointment was tangible when Ashlyn had said they broke up. All her grandma wanted was for her to be happy and apparently Ali was what her grandma thought made her the happiest.

It made Ashlyn want to cry. But she had made a promise to herself to stop crying over Ali Krieger.

And so she had retreated to the beach. And then she found herself dialling a German number she had long known by heart.

As tears sprung to her eyes, she wanted to blame the wind. But again, that was a lie.

She kept imagining what she would do if Ali was in front of her. Part of her wanted nothing more than to make Ali hurt like she had, to make her feel how Ashlyn’s heart ached. The other part of her wanted to hold Ali and never let her go.

If only she could just turn her feelings on and off like a switch. That would be so much easier.

With some effort, Ashlyn pushed herself to her feet, abandoning her phone in her bag, trading it for her board.

If she couldn’t turn off her heart, at least she could try to quiet her thoughts for a bit.

As she paddled out to sea, her phone buzzed in her bag.

xx

Ali flicked the ball towards Sarah Thunesbro as she asked, “Scale of one to dumbass, would it be a mistake to tweet a birthday message to Ashlyn?”

Sarah juggled the ball a few times before flicking it to Gina Lewandowski. “I guess it wouldn’t be the end of the world, but haven’t you two been in a better place in the last month?”

“Yes, Kriegs, you said that like a month ago, you two sort of came to a détente.”

Gina knocked the ball towards Ali’s head, forcing her to head it to bring it down. Ali focused on the ball at her feet as she pondered her teammates. “I suppose so. But like, it seems almost unfriendly not to.”

Gina snorted in laughter. “Only you would be so nice as to think it’s unfriendly not to wish the person who broke your heart happy birthday.”

For that, Ali levelled the ball at Gina’s abdomen. “I mean, I know I’m going to see her in a few weeks at camp. Pia mentioned that she was bringing Ashlyn in as a backup keeper. I dunno, I don’t want it to be uncomfortable.”

“If we say that you should wish her happy birthday, can we stop talking about your love life until Christmas?” Gina asked as she juggled the ball on her thigh.

‘Make it until New Year and I’ll say yes.”

“You two are no help!” Ali threw her arms up in the air. Gina knocked the ball towards Ali’s chest. Ali caught it before it hit her, tossing a glare towards her fellow American.

“Krieger,” barked Nadine, “Don’t you know not to use your hands?” She asked in German, grabbing the ball out of Ali’s hands.

“Geez, Kriegs, you need to spend less time with keepers.” Sarah motioned to Nadine to toss her the ball.

“Whatever, I have a probably dumb birthday tweet to write. I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

As she made her way home, she ran through what she could possibly say in a tweet that would appropriately convey that Ashlyn was her favorite person in the world, but also that she fully understood that they weren’t in a relationship anymore. Or, she supposed, that they ever were in a relationship. That was what had gotten her in this situation in the first place.

Sat in front of her laptop, Ali began to type out a message: “ _Happy Birthday to the beautiful @Ashlyn_Harris hope you have an amazing day!!! Best wishes_ ”. She was about to send it when she added one more thing: “ _#dontdoanythingiwouldntdo_ ”.

xx

_January 2011_

Ali stared at their linked hands on her thigh. She could stare at Ashlyn’s hands all day. They quite literally were magic – in every sense of the word.

“Princess?” Ashlyn’s soft voice broke her out of her reverie as she squeezed her hand. “As much as I hate to say it, you should probably get going.”

Ali twisted in her seat to face Ashlyn. “I’m going to miss you so much, Ash.”

A bright smile cracked Ashlyn’s face. “Aw, that’s so sappy, Al. You’re such a softie.”

“Everybody knows that!” She brought her free hand up to trace Ashlyn’s jawline. “God, you’re pretty.”

Ashlyn fluttered her lashes playfully. “Well, gee, Miss Krieger, you sure do say the sweetest things.” Ashlyn turned her head to press a kiss to Ali’s palm. “Ugh, I wish you didn’t have to leave. Or I wish I could go with you.”

“I know.” Ali practically melted at the sight of Ashlyn’s pout. But she settled for leaning over the center console and pressing a brief kiss to her pout. As she pulled away, Ashlyn threaded her fingers into Ali’s dark hair and held her closer.

Ali wanted to stay in that moment forever. Ashlyn’s lips moving gently against her, the reassuring pressure of her hand in her hair, the heady smell of her perfume. It was perfection.

But, tragically, it had to end.

“You better get going, Princess, otherwise, some scary Germans might come after me for stealing the best right back in the world.”

“God, you’re the worst.”

“That’s not what you said last night,” teased Ashlyn, waggling her eyebrows. “In fact, I think it was something along the lines of, ‘more, Ash’, ‘don’t stop, Ash’, ‘oh God, Ash’.” Ali slapped at Ashlyn’s shoulder as her cheeks went a bright shade of pink.

“You’re an ass, Ashlyn Harris.”

“Aw, you like my ass.”

“It is a pretty good ass,” Ali conceded, moving to press a kiss to the corner of Ashlyn’s mouth. “I should probably get going.” The pair finally moved to get out of the car.

“Call when you land?” Ashlyn asked, handing Ali her bag.

Ali nodded, trying to swallow down the lump in her throat. She and Ashlyn had barely even begun to date and already she had to leave. She didn’t think it would be this hard. “Yeah, don’t worry.”

“I guess I’ll be seeing you around, Princess.” Ashlyn managed a watery smile.

Hesitating for only a moment, Ali launched herself into Ashlyn’s arm, hugging her tightly. She inhaled Ashlyn’s unique scent, trying to commit it to memory. “Yeah, I’ll see you soon. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, babe.”

Ashlyn nodded, not letting Ali go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so who wins the biggest dumbass award? 
> 
> sorry for the delay - i would highly not recommend two a days. my whole body hurts. it's the worst. 
> 
> much love
> 
> b


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alt title: in which ali and kelley are accidentally assholes

_ chapter seven.  _

_ November 2011  _

Ashlyn was rudely awakened by a pillow crashing into her face. She swung an arm out instinctively and there was a loud yelp from whoever she hit. 

“Mornin’, sunshine,” crooned Megan, even as she coughed and rubbed her stomach. “It’s time for dinner.” 

“Why’d you wake me up with a pillow, jackass?” Ashlyn lifted herself into a sitting position, rubbing at her tired eyes. 

Pinoe merely shrugged a shoulder as she dug through her backpack. Then she froze and cast a guilty look over her shoulder. 

Ashlyn groaned, “What did you do?” 

“Um, nothing, thanks. But, Ash, Ali arrived like an hour ago in from Germany.” Pinoe practically flinched as she waited for Ashlyn to react. 

Inhaling shakily, Ashlyn nodded. “I mean I knew she’d be here obviously. Like, why wouldn’t she?” Pinoe looked on sympathetically while Ashlyn began to ramble, her eyes getting increasingly bigger. “What should I do, Pinoe?” 

“I dunno, man. Just be chill. You’ll be with the goalies and then she’ll be with the field players. So that’s like most of the time.” 

Ashlyn pinned Pinoe with a withering glare. “You’re just leaving out the team meetings, meals, and everything else. What could go wrong?” Ashlyn collapsed back onto her bed. “And everybody already thinks I’m an asshole. Everybody loves Ali, she’s so sweet and nice and nobody can comprehend how I could break up with her.” 

“I don’t think you’re a total asshole, just kind of one occasionally,” Pinoe teased, sticking her tongue out at her roommate. “C’mon, Harris, it’ll be fine. It’s not like Ali has been going around blaming you to everyone.” 

A loud knock on their door shocked the pair of them, Becky calling to them, “Hey you two, time for dinner.” 

“You’ve got this, Harris.” Pinoe clapped her on the shoulder as they joined Becky in the hallway. 

Ashlyn could think of at least 30 things she’d rather be doing than heading down to team dinner. Like cleaning out her grandma’s rain drains for instance. Or falling off her surfboard. Or having Abby take shots at her at point blank. 

Not that Abby hadn’t been doing that. The older player had decided, purely based on the team gossip and speculation, that Ashlyn needed to get her head out of her ass. But rather than having a conversation with Ashlyn, Abby spent the past week taking great delight in shooting exclusively at Ashlyn’s face. So much so, one of the coaches had expressed concern over Abby’s aim. 

But Abby wasn’t the only one who seemed to take issue with Ashlyn. Which was entirely unfair, in Ashlyn’s opinion. First off, their breakup had nothing to do with soccer. Secondly, it was fully not Ashlyn’s fault alone. Yes, she said the words, but it came from issues deeply imbedded in their relationship. Which, again, had nothing to do with soccer. 

That didn’t stop some of the girls from making little comments about how they missed Ali. (As if Ashlyn didn’t feel like she was missing a part of herself) Or from Cap expressing concern that this could be detrimental to the team and that Ashlyn didn’t seem herself. (Which arguably she wasn’t) Or from Paul shooting her concerned looks as yet another one of Abby’s shots caught her in the face. 

The coaching staff begged ignorance of any relationships on the team, but Ashlyn knew at least Pia knew. Ashlyn was desperate not to let this become an issue that would garner attention from Pia. If Pia was forced to choose between the two of them, it would be Ali everytime. Ashlyn, for all her years devoted to the program, was just the fourth string keeper. She didn’t even have a cap yet. 

Somehow, Ali could, without even trying, ruin everything Ashlyn had worked for since she knew what this was. 

So Ashlyn would have to rise above the way her heart ached and the way the loneliness gnawed at her in the middle of the night. 

For five months, Ashlyn ignored the little voice in her head that implored her to reach out properly to Ali. There had been the brief exchange of uncomfortable voicemails, but beyond that, there was no contact. Ashlyn maintained some sort of relationship with Liv, seeing her every few weeks. Liv was easy. Liv wasn’t going to break her heart. Liv didn’t have sparkling brown eyes and a smile that could light up a city. Liv was Ali and that was what Ashlyn needed. 

So as the elevator ticked down, Ashlyn solidified her resolve not to let Ali get to her. 

But then Ashlyn walked into the meal room and Ali was laughing and Ashlyn could feel herself falling all over again. 

xx 

Dread would be a touch on the melodramatic side to describe how she was feeling about seeing Ashlyn at the short camp. But it wasn’t entirely inaccurate. It was easy in Germany, to some extent, to ignore the way she felt. In Germany, there was little to remind her of Ashlyn. (That was a lie - Ali seemed to see Ashlyn in everything and everywhere) 

So when HAO nudged her shoulder as they listened to Sydney Leroux, a senior out of UCLA, regale them with a story from a college party, Ali’s heart dropped into her stomach.

Ashlyn. 

She looked good, as much as Ali hated to admit it. She wasn’t sure what she had been hoping for. But maybe having Ashlyn look miserable and heartbroken would’ve made Ali feel like less of a fool. 

Ashlyn looked...she looked like Ashlyn. With her perpetual surfer’s tan and shining blonde hair. She didn’t look any different. 

As she walked into the room, she chuckled at something Pinoe said and Ali’s heart twinged painfully behind her ribcage. 

Behind Ashlyn, Becky appeared, bounding over to Ali. 

“Kriegs!” Ali barely managed to get to her feet before Becky caught her in a hug. “So glad you finally bothered to show up!” 

“Hey Broon. It’s good to see you too.” Ali patted her on the back, grateful for the distraction from Ashlyn. “Unlike you all, I’m still in the middle of the season.” 

“So kind of the Germans to return you to us,” teased HAO. “All jetlagged and tired.” 

“I’m just not even gonna bother switching time zones.” 

“Good luck with morning training then,” cut in Abby as she passed by with a plate of food. “It’s good to see you, Ali.” 

“Thanks, Abs.” As she met Abby’s gaze, she was somewhat surprised to see the pity there. 

A body hit her from behind, and Ali staggering forward, nearly hitting the table. “Hey Pinoe.” 

“I’m so glad you’re back, Kriegs!” Pinoe practically yelled into her ear. 

“Get off her back, you gremlin,” Abby laughed as Ali tried to stay upright. Pinoe eventually slid off Ali’s back, clapping her on the shoulder. “How is Germany?” 

Ali shrugged a shoulder. “Oh you know, busy. Our schedule has been tough, but it’s been good.” She ran a hand through her hair, willing herself not to glance at Ashlyn on the other side of the room. Abby smiled kindly at her before moving off to chat with Pia. 

The hairs on the back of Ali’s neck stood on end as she fought the urge to look at Ashlyn. She wasn’t sure what she would do when or even if Ashlyn spoke to her. 

In the months since they had broken up, Ali had come to a few conclusions. One, she did love Ashlyn, but she hadn’t known this until after Ashlyn had left her. Two, she didn’t know how to show Ashlyn she loved her. Three, Ashlyn deserved infinitely better than her. 

Ashlyn, who shone like the sun, who was so strong and constant. Ashlyn, who had built Ali up without question and had instilled a new confidence in her. Ashlyn, who had stayed late with Ali for ages to practice her penalties when Pia had tapped her for the penalty lineup. Ashlyn, who had thrown everything she had to their relationship. Ashlyn, who Ali let down because she couldn’t show her how she adored her. 

Because, as Ali had concluded, she was broken. Somehow, she was broken. 

Ali snapped out of her thoughts as someone said her name sharply. She blinked once, twice, then realized it was Pia speaking to her. 

“Sorry, I missed that.” She let out a nervous laugh, “Jetlag, you know.” 

Pia nodded and repeated what she said, “I was just asking how you were feeling after your flight and how your season was going.” 

Ali flushed pink as she answered, “Oh, yeah, it’s been going well. Our past few games have been tough, but it’s good to be back with the team.” 

“Glad to hear it, Krieger. Make sure to rest up. I want you on top form tomorrow.” 

Ali managed a short nod and smile to her coach before she was dragged away by somebody to the food line. “Easy, Pinoe, don’t take my shoulder out.” 

“Man, I’m starving. I totally forgot my snacks, and Ash…” Megan trailed off, scratching the back of her neck awkwardly. 

“It’s fine. Really. We’re both adults,” said Ali while she piled salad onto her plate. “It’s really fine.” 

It really wasn’t fine.

xx 

Ashlyn was going to kill Kelley one of these days, she thought as she held a paper towel to her bleeding nose. Probably today. Most likely today. 

It all started at breakfast, as many things often do. 

The breakfast room was always quiet in the first thirty minutes, most people preferring to maximize their sleep. 

Except for Ashlyn, who had woken with the sun and taken a moment to sit outside before everybody else woke up. And Kelley, who she had run into on one of the walking paths outside the hotel. 

And apparently, Ali, who was still on German time. 

She was curled in the corner in one of the horribly uncomfortable hotel chairs, a book in her lap, a cup of tea next to her. The morning sun highlighted her face and Ashlyn forced herself to swallow down the rising emotion. 

She looked not unlike she had that last morning, still sleeping in Ashlyn’s bed as the morning sun lit her features. 

“Morning, Als!” Kelley waved eagerly from the door, startling Ali into practically knocking over her tea. “You’re up early.” Kelley bounded over and dropped into a chair next to Ali. “I didn’t get a chance to say hey yesterday, but I’m glad you could make it for camp.” 

“Same, it’s good to see you, Kells.” Ali flashed a bright smile that made Ashlyn melt. Ali’s warm eyes flitted to Ashlyn, who had trailed after Kelley, desperately wanting to be back in her bed all of the sudden. “Oh, uh, hey, Ash.” 

And she had that weird inflection on Ashlyn’s name that she got whenever she had been only speaking German for a while. Ashlyn used to crave hearing that little inflection on the middle of her name, as Ali would say it with a smile whenever they would Skype. 

It took Kelley stepping on her foot for her to respond. “Mornin’. Still on German time?” Ali nodded, her eyes wide as she was scared of Ashlyn. 

“Uh, yeah, it’s like almost noon in Frankfurt, so, uh, yeah.” 

The other two wandered over to the food table in search of breakfast. Ashlyn glanced quickly over her shoulder, but Ali had turned back to her book.

“Dude, are you even listening to me?” Kelley jabbed an elbow into her side. 

“Uh, yeah, totally,” mumbled Ashlyn, focusing back on the eggs. “What were you saying?” 

Kelley heaped a pile of fruit onto her plate before she said, “I said, when are you gonna come back up to Boston? Doesn’t your girl live there? Wasn’t she down in Florida with you a few months ago?” 

“Jesus, Kelley,” she hissed, already spinning around to say something to Ali, but all she saw was the back of Ali’s head as she rushed out, nearly knocking over Abby and Cap. 

“What?” Kelley asked as the pair of them settled at one of the tables. “Dude, what?” 

“Kelley, what the fuck?” 

“What?” 

“What were you thinking saying something about Liv in front of Ali?” 

“It’s been like six months since you broke up. I’m sure she’s moved on. Dude, she’s been in Germany the whole time. There’s no way that nobody’s tried to get with the pretty American girl.” 

Ashlyn opened her mouth to say something when Abby dropped into the seat across from Ashlyn, a dangerous look in her eye. 

“Wanna explain to me why Krieger just ran out of here practically in tears?” Abby’s voice bridged no argument and Ashlyn flashed back to sitting in the principal’s office in junior high. “Harris!” Abby practically barked. 

“Ashlyn, we’re not trying to yell at you, but if something has happened that is going to affect team dynamics, I need to know,” Cap said, her tone significantly gentler than Abby’s. 

“It was my fault. I made a dumb comment about a girl Ash’s been seeing and Ali must’ve overheard. I didn’t mean to upset her or anything. Ash didn’t even do anything.” 

But that did little to deter Abby’s glare. “Ashlyn, we can’t have you two acting out like this. You need to get your shit together.” 

Ashlyn stood abruptly to her feet. “I didn’t do anything wrong. You all just think that it was me. You think that I’m the jackass who broke precious Ali’s heart. Seriously, you all just think I did something. Did you ever think that she’s the one who broke my heart?” Ashlyn pushed down the urge to let tears fall. “Honestly, fuck this. I’m outta here. I’ll see you at training.” 

She stormed out of the breakfast room, ignoring the numerous people who called out for her. 

She slammed the door to her room, eternally grateful it was empty. 

She tugged at her hair painfully, desperate to distract herself. 

Everything was always her fault. It always had been, it always would be. She was so fucking useless. 

She kicked at her soccer bag, sending it halfway across the room. 

She was well past the point of wanting Ali to hurt, but it would seem that she couldn’t stop doing dumb shit. 

Eventually, Ashlyn forced herself downstairs to join the team for practice, ignoring the way that the others were glaring at her. Ali was one of the last ones down, HAO at her shoulder. Her eyes were slightly puffy and fixed on the ground. Ashlyn quickly looked away when Heather shot her a look. 

Last camp, she and Ali had sat on the bus together every single time. 

This time ‘round, however, she sat alone, happy to keep her head down and ignore how people glanced at her as they passed. She tugged her cap down further over her eyes, unwilling to watch Ali pass by with sad eyes. 

It was as if she was in a daze as she went through the motions of practice. It was so bad even Hope said something to her. And Hope generally maintained a policy of zero interest in any sort of drama that wasn’t of her own making. 

“Harris, you’re in.” Ashlyn’s head snapped up at the sound of Paul’s voice. She bounced up from where she and Barney were sitting on the sideline, readjusting her gloves. “Shirt’s side.” He gestured to the right side of the field. Ashlyn fist-bumped Loyden on her way in. 

Swinging her arms, she surveyed the field in front of her. 

She had LePeilbet on her left side, Becky and Heather Mitts in front of her, and thankfully, Whitney on her right side, instead of Ali. 

She barked out a few instructions to her back line as she watched Hope play the ball out of the back. 

And of course, within a minute, Abby was tearing through her center backs with the ball at her feet. Her shot had a wicked spin towards her top right corner, forcing Ashlyn to leap and just brush it over the crossbar. 

Abby shot a strange look her way before turning back and jogging towards the center. 

Ashlyn cleared the ball from her box and gave her head a shake. She needed to focus. 

Her eyes flitted around the pitch as her team moved up and won a corner off of an error on Hope’s part. 

But the ball bounced free from their box and landed at HAO’s feet. She was coming at full speed down the flank while LePeilbet tried to catch up. Eventually, about ten yards outside the eighteen, LePeilbet managed to slow HAO down, but Ashlyn saw the play a fraction of a second too late and tried to call out to her backline. 

HAO held the ball up for a second, drawing it towards the center of the field, opening up the flank even further. And in that instant, Ali came streaking up the side at full speed, overlapping the winger. HAO laid the ball off into the box, splitting LePeilbet and Becky, leaving Ashlyn exposed. As Ali broke into the box, Ashlyn dove forward to smother the ball. 

As her fingertips hit the ball, Ali crashed into her, her knee colliding with Ash’s nose. 

In retrospect, Ashlyn maybe should’ve gone out earlier, or not tried to smother it and picked it up or even just cleared it out. 

But in the moment, all Ashlyn could think was that her nose fucking hurt. 

There was a groan to her side and Ashlyn rolled her. There was Ali, on all fours, slowly getting to her feet. 

“Oh my god, Ash.” Ali twisted to kneel at Ash’s side, her dark eyes filled with concern and something that Ashlyn didn’t want to look too closely at. “I’m so, so sorry. Fuck, you’re bleeding.” Ali’s hand cupped her face and Ashlyn flinched away. Ali fell back onto her heels, crestfallen. 

“Harris, let’s get you up,” said one of the trainers, already pressing a cloth to her nose. “Easy does it.” Ashlyn moved a hand up to hold the cloth, distinctly ignoring Ali’s presence on the edges of her vision. Eventually somebody tugged Ali away, leaving Ashlyn to the trainers. 

They put her in one of the training rooms with a cloth pressed to her face. 

And it was all fucking Kelley’s big mouth’s fault. 

xx 

“That’ll be it for today, ladies.” Ali barely waited around for the coaches to finish speaking before she went off in search of Ashlyn. 

“Whit, did you see…? I just want to apologize.” Ali scratched the back of her neck anxiously. 

Whitney shrugged, replying, “Sorry, Ali, I think they brought her to one of the training rooms. Maybe check there.” She gestured to one of buildings by the field. “It looked like it was just a nosebleed.” 

Ali took off towards the building, a painful feeling in the pit of her stomach. She had literally hit Ashlyn. Yeah, she was mad and hurt and heartbroken this morning when she heard Kelley so casually mention that Ashlyn was seriously seeing a girl. 

But it wasn’t like she would ever actually hit Ashlyn. That was nuts. It was an accident. It was an accident. 

“It was an accident, Ash, I swear,” She blurted out as soon as she saw Ashlyn reclined on a bed with a cloth covering half her face. She desperately wanted to rush to Ashlyn’s side, to hold her hand, to comfort her. But that was beyond out of the question. They weren’t together anymore and Ashlyn had a girlfriend now. 

Ashlyn pinned her with a frustrated look over the cloth. “What?” 

“I totally didn’t mean to hit you, I wasn’t paying attention. It was an accident, I promise.” 

Ashlyn rolled her eyes, fixing her gaze somewhere to the left of Ali’s head. “Sure, Ali. Whatever.” 

“Ashlyn, c’mon. I admit I hit you, but it wasn’t like I would try to knee you in the face on purpose.” 

“Of course, nothing has ever been your fault, Ali. Wouldn’t want to damage your reputation,” sneered Ashlyn, finally pulling the cloth away to reveal the dried blood on her face. “Heaven forbid, you don’t have a golden image. Isn’t that why we couldn't be public?” 

Ali slumped back against the wall, nails biting into her forearms painfully. “Ash, c’mon… we don’t have to do this. I didn’t try to hurt you.” 

“Yeah, well, look how well that turned out.” 

“What are you talking about, Ashlyn? From what I can see, you’re doing fine. Aren’t you seeing that girl that you were with at Kelley’s? What was that, less than ten days after we broke up? I don’t see why you’re acting like this.” 

“Yeah, Ali, and you fucked off to Germany.” 

“That has nothing to do with this!” 

“Just go away, Ali. Everybody will continue to act as if you’re the perfect princess and I’ll be the asshole. It’s fine.” 

“What? What’re you talking about?” 

Ashlyn let out a cold laugh that caused Ali to curl in on herself. “I’ve got Abby trying to hit me in the fucking face. And Cap’s freaked out that this is going to mess up team dynamics, so she keeps talking to me about feelings and shit. And everybody’s treating me like I’m a fucking asshole. So yeah, Ali, whatever. It’s fine. Just, like, go back to whatever you’ve been doing.” 

Ali exhaled sharply. “I hate this.” 

“Yeah, well, life’s not all sunshine and rainbows. I don’t want to fight with you. But it’s hard.” 

“I’m sorry about your nose. It’s not broken, right?” 

“It’ll be fine. You better get going. Wouldn’t want anybody to think anything about it.” Ashlyn turned away from her, effectively ending the conversation. 

It tore at all of her old wounds, reopening them and leaving Ali feeling like an exposed nerve. 

She shuffled away, quietly slipping back into the team group, finding HAO quickly. 

“All good?” 

“No, but I don’t want to talk about it.” 

Heather, bless her, just nodded and wrapped an arm around Ali’s shoulder. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alt alt title: i'm the asshole 
> 
> this was originally gonna go all the way through the sweden game, but it was getting long, so you'll have to wait for a touch of resolution. 
> 
> leave a comment and let me know what're you're thinking. 
> 
> much love
> 
> b


	8. Chapter 8

_ chapter eight.  _

Ali dipped her feet in the pool, watching the ripples spread out across the water. She felt like her head might explode if she kept thinking. She hadn’t realized how much it would hurt to see Ashlyn. 

As she sat in the Heathrow airport, waiting for her connecting flight, she watched the rain hit the big windows. She knew that it was going to be brutal to see Ashlyn, to see her be fine. Before Kyle made her remove Ashlyn’s social media, she could see her being so goddamn happy. She knew that Ashlyn had moved on. 

Ali had tried. She had tried so hard to move on. But she was hopeless, irrevocably in love with Ashlyn. 

And worse than that, Ali had lost her best friend. She hadn’t even realized it until she was alone in Germany that Ashlyn was her best friend. Ashlyn was who she called when she was down. Ashlyn was her rock. And Ali felt positively untethered without her. 

But it was easy to feel detached when she was sat in an airport in London. 

It was harder when she was only 10 rooms down from Ashlyn. When she could almost touch her. When she apparently could cause Ashlyn to bleed. 

“Hey,” a voice rasped behind her, startling Ali. Her fingers curled into the rough cement, relishing the painful grit on her palms. 

Ali twisted around to see Ashlyn, wrapped up in an oversized sweatshirt, perched on one of the beach chairs. “I can go. Sorry,” she mumbled, starting to pull her feet out of the water. 

“It’s fine. You were here first.” 

Ali settled back down, her shoulders practically touching her ears. She curled in on herself, as if that would protect her from the emotional hurt that seemed to follow her like a dark cloud. 

Then, before her mind could catch up with her mouth, she said, “I really miss you, Ash.” 

Drowning may have been the preferable option. 

There was a long beat of silence. 

The only sound was the occasional car passing and the songs of desert birds. 

Ali desperately wanted to turn and tell Ashlyn that her heart hurt and that she loved her. 

She needed Ashlyn to say something, anything. 

But she remained silent. 

So Ali tried to fill the silence, “You were the best thing that happened to me, you know? And I’m sorry I was such a terrible girlfriend. I’ve always had trouble with relationships and then I spent so many years trying to ignore this part of me and I still haven’t come to terms with that. And it was so unfair of me to put that on you. I swear, Ash, I didn’t ever want to hurt you.You’re the best person I know.” 

“Ali….” 

Ali finally twisted on the edge of the pool to look at Ashlyn. “Please don’t apologize or pity me. Please, I can’t handle that. I swear, I’ll get over this. I’ll get over you. It’s just hard right now, seeing you here, seeing you be fine. But I’ll be okay.” Ali pushed herself to her feet, skin tingling under the weight of Ashlyn’s gaze. Her heart grated uncomfortably against her ribcage, almost suffocating her with the pain. “I’ll see you around, Ash.” 

As she walked past Ashlyn, Ashlyn grabbed her wrist, halting her in her place. 

It felt a brand on her wrist, Ashlyn’s warm, long fingers curled around her wrist. 

“Ali, what if I don’t want that?” 

“Don’t want what?” Ali choked out, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. “Ash, please.” 

“What if, I don’t want you to just move on and forget about me? What if it makes me sick to my stomach to think of you moving on with somebody else?” Hope swelled deep in Ali’s chest. “I miss you too, Al.” Ashlyn stood to her feet, her fingers still wrapped around Ali’s wrist, holding her close. Ali blinked up at Ashlyn, unable to comprehend that she was so close. 

“Really?” 

“Like somebody took a piece of me away.” 

Ali waited a beat, desperately searching Ashlyn’s eyes. Then she surged forward, pressing her lips to Ashlyn’s. She curled a hand around the back of Ashlyn’s neck, trying to keep her as close as possible. 

But then Ashlyn pushed at her shoulder, forcing Ali back. 

“...Ash?” 

Ashlyn covered her face with both hands, unwilling to meet Ali’s increasingly tearful gaze. 

“Ash, please, you have to talk to me.” Ali grabbed at Ashlyn’s shoulder. “Please, please don’t shut me out.” 

“Ali, I can’t do this. I can’t do this again,” she whispered, gesturing to the increasingly empty space between them. 

Ali took a half step back, wrapping her arms around her ribs. “Oh, oh, oh god, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t’ve…” She started to move quickly away from Ashlyn, fighting the urge to cry or vomit. “God, Ash, how, why, god, I’m sorry.” 

“Ali, calm down. It’s okay.” Ashlyn managed a watery smile. “Ali, c’mon, you know I hate to see you cry. Don’t walk away from me.” She brushed the pad of her thumb across Ali’s cheekbone, catching a tear. Ali could’ve sworn there would be a red mark across her cheekbone, marking wherever Ashlyn touched her. “God, I’ve missed you.” 

“Ash, don’t do this to me. I can’t do this and then go back to ignoring each other, to you hating me.” 

“Ali-” 

“No, Ash, I’ve worked so hard these past few months to not feel like I’m falling apart. And I miss you. I miss my best friend. I miss being able to kiss you and tell you about my day and listen to you tell dumb jokes and everything.” Ali stared at her feet, and mumbled out, “Is there ever another chance for us? Or did I ruin by best chance at happiness?” 

“God, Ali, I don’t know. You know, you broke my heart, right?” 

“Yes, Ashlyn, I am acutely aware of the fact.” She twisted away from Ashlyn, unable to handle looking at the blonde. “Believe me, I know.” 

“And yet, I still want you in my life.” 

“Ash, don’t.” 

“I’m not saying that we can get back together. But I miss you too.” Ashlyn caught one of Ali’s hands, lacing their fingers together. “I miss your smile and telling you bad jokes and listening to your stupid German accent when you talk. I miss my best friend too.” 

“Do you, do you think we can at least be friends?” 

Ashlyn smiled softly. “I’m willing to try if you are.” She squeezed Ali’s hand briefly. “I know you hate hugs, but I’ve really missed you, Alex.” Ali hesitated for a moment before nodding. As Ashlyn wrapped her arms around her, Ali felt more at peace than she had in ages. 

She inhaled sharply as her nose pressed into Ashlyn’s shoulder. She wished she could stay in that moment forever. But too soon, Ashlyn pulled away, her eyes unreadable. 

“Friends?” 

Ali nodded, swallowing hard. “Friends.” 

Ashlyn’s eyes crinkled and filled with warmth once more. “I’ve missed you, Krieger.” 

“Same,” replied Ali and she was quite proud of the fact that her voice didn’t waver. 

xx 

Ashlyn was on the bench. Again. As per usual. She hadn’t even suited up. Although to be fair, neither had Hope. 

She wasn’t that surprised, but still, it was a bummer. 

She just had to wait for her time. And maybe, in the smallest corner of her brain, when she couldn’t sleep, hope for someone to get an injury. Just a small, minor one. But like, she just wanted some minutes. 

At least she and Ali were speaking again. She felt infinitely lighter. She hadn’t fully realised how much she missed Ali’s smile until she caught Ali’s eye as Ali jogged off the field. Her heart fluttered and she had to bite back a smile. 

Ali dropped into the place next to her, bumping knees with her. 

“Hey,” she breathed out, her cheeks flushed from the game still. 

“Good job out there, Kriegs.” Amy patted Ali on the shoulder as she passed, tugging on a training bib. 

The rest of the game, Ashlyn found herself overwhelmingly aware of the way Ali brushed against her and leaned into whisper commentary and reached behind Ashlyn to grab her warm up jacket. 

She certainly didn’t miss the way Abby winked at her when she subbed off for Alex. 

But she didn’t hate the way that Ali had become practically glued to her side, eager to prove their friendship. 

So when Ali slipped under her arm while they shook hands with the Swedes, Ashlyn was more than happy to hold Ali close. It made her feel more level than she had in months. 

“Hey! Thunebro!” Ali waved over her Frankfurt teammate with her trademark grin. The Swede wound her way through their teammate, flashing an equally bright smile at Ali. 

A curl of jealous rose in Ashlyn, but she tamped it down as Ali remained at her side. 

“Sara, you remember Ashlyn, right?” 

“Of course. So good to see you again.” The Swede swept her gaze over Ashlyn with undisguised judgement. “ _ Das ist das Mädchen, das dir das Herz gebrochen hat, ja? _ ” 

Ali’s nose scrunched in response before she said, “ _ Ja _ .” 

Ashlyn glanced between the pair of them, figuring they were discussing her. 

“ _ Also hast du sie zurückgenommen? _ ” 

Ashlyn stiffened as Ali shifted closer to her. “ _ Es ist kompliziert, Sara. Wir arbeiten dran. Glauben Sie mir, werden Sie unter den ersten sein, zu wissen. _ ” Ali hesitated, then added, “ _ Sie wissen, wie ich über sie fühle. Ich lie- _ ” Ali cut herself off, but Ashlyn had read the word on Ali’s arm hundreds of times, thousands of times.  _ Liebe _ ; that is what Ali had been about to say. “ _ Ich erzähle dir mehr, wenn wir wieder in Frankfurt sind. _ ” 

Sara nodded, her eyes still appraisingly on Ashlyn. “Of course, Ali. Ashlyn, how have you been? I heard from Ali that your team won the league.” 

“Uh, yeah, we did.” 

“Congratulations.” 

There was a long moment of silence while Ashlyn and Sara appraised each other. Ali cut in, “So, Sara, are we on the same flight? The 8:55 one?” 

Sara’s stiff countenance broke and she nodded, saying, “Yes, yes, the same one. Just in time for the game against Wolfsburg. I’m thrilled, aren’t you?” 

“Of course. It’s times like these I wish I played here. I could use a break,” laughed Ali, leaning into Ashlyn’s side and Ashlyn could swear Ali’s laugh was full of stars and magic. The other two joined in and Ashlyn’s heart finally didn’t feel so heavy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> firstly, i speak almost zero german so this came from google. secondly, some resolution!! 
> 
> can't wait to hear from you guys!! 
> 
> much love 
> 
> b


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alt title: "that's gay, ali."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's ali's pov all the way through, which should clarify the times on the messages

_ chapter nine.  _

  
  
  


_ AK [11.24.2011 3:08 PM]: happy thanksgiving!! very thankful to have you in my life!! have lots of turkey for me!!  _

_ AH [3:14 PM]: Thank uuu xx _

_ AH [3:14 PM]: are you doing like german thanksgiving??  _

_ AK [3:59 PM]: gina’s coming over for roast chicken we couldn’t find a turkey anywhere :(  _

_ AH [4:05 PM]: booo  _

_ AH [4:05 PM]: you can’t have thanksgiving w/o turkey  _

_ AH [4:05 PM]: that’s fake thanksgiving  _

_ AK [4:09 PM]: rude  _

_ AK [4:09 PM]: what about vegetarians?  _

_ AH [4:10 PM]: the pilgrims certainly weren’t vegetarians  _

_ AK [4:12 PM]: babe, i maybe wouldn’t use the pilgrims to defend yourself  _

_ AK [4:13 PM]: also  _ [ _ https://gothamist.com/2011/11/21/vegetarian_thanksgiving.php _ ](https://gothamist.com/2011/11/21/vegetarian_thanksgiving.php)

_ AK [4:19 PM]: omg i’m so sorry i called you babe  _

_ AK [4:19 PM]: it was an accident  _

_ AH [4:21 PM]: ali, chill out …  _

_ AH [4:21 PM]: babe  _

_ AK [4:22 PM]: ash we talked about this  _

_ AK [4:22 PM]: we said no flirting _

_ AK [4:22 PM]: it’s like a rule  _

**_Incoming Call from Ashlyn Harris_ **

“Honestly, Ash,” Ali sighed goodnaturedly as she set her football bag down in the closet of her small flat. “Hi, Ashlyn.” She lifted her phone in front of her face as Ashlyn’s smiling face appeared. 

“ _ Morning! _ ” 

“It’s practically 5’o’clock here, Ash. I just got home from practice.”

“ _ You’re right, but I am in the process of eating some wonderful pancakes that Grandma made me some fabulous pancakes for breakfast. _ ” Ashlyn flashed her camera down to the massive stack of pancakes that caused Ali’s stomach to rumble. “ _ Just, like, don’t tell Dawn. She’ll have my head. _ ” 

“My lips are sealed. I’m setting you down for a second so I can grab a snack.” As Ali grabbed food out of her fridge, she listened as Ashlyn chattered about what food her family was making for Thanksgiving. Homesickness swirled in her belly as she thought of her parents and brother and jotted down a note to call them after Ashlyn. “Ugh, you have to stop talking otherwise I’m gonna go and buy way too much food and then I’ll get fat.” 

Ashlyn snorted on her end of the call. “ _ You couldn’t get fat if you tried. _ ” 

“Ha, ha, you’re very funny, Ash. You know what I mean.” 

“ _ Yeah, I mean, I suppose you’d still be gorgeous. _ ” 

Ali’s cheeks flushed at the words and suddenly her cottage cheese was very interesting. “So is your whole family coming around?”

“ _ Hm? Yeah, Chris is just on his way over now. _ ” Ali sighed heavily, “ _ Are you feeling a bit homesick? _ ” 

“Yeah, just a bit. I mean, if I played in the US, I’d always be able to see my family and friends for the holidays. It’s hard, you know?” 

Ashlyn hummed in agreement. “ _ Although, there’s not gonna be a league in the new year, so at least you’re getting paid to play somewhere. You’ve heard about the whole sixth team thing? With magicJack’s whole situation, it’s all fucked I think. _ ” 

“Yeah, I’ve talked to loads of girls about playing in Europe. I think there’s going to be a fair few in the next year,” Ali paused, glanced away from her phone, careful not to sound too desperate, “Would you, you know, would you ever consider playing here in Germany?” 

“ _ Yeah, definitely _ ,” came Ashlyn’s easy reply, “ _ I mean, what else can I do, but play soccer? Like somehow I doubt my communication studies degree with zero work experience is going to help support me if the league falls through. Why is Frankfurt looking for a new keeper? _ ” 

“I think you would have to pry Nadine away with a crowbar, but I’m sure there are other teams. I mean, everybody wants Americans these days. We’re good for marketing. I’ll put out some feelers, I can even ask my agent.” 

“ _ God, you’re the best, Ali. I really missed you, really, truly. _ ” 

“Same, Ash, I missed you too.” 

“ _ Oh, I gotta go, something about Chris dropping the sweet potatoes! I’ll talk to you later! _ ” 

xx 

_ AH [11.29.2011 6:17 AM]: i have a question, ali  _

_ AH [6:20 AM]: princess?  _

_ AH [6:21 AM]: you there?  _

_ AH [6:23 AM]: alllliiii  _

**_Ashlyn Harris_ **

**_Missed Calls (3)_ **

_ AH [6:26 AM]: fine, whatever, ali  _

_ AK [6:30 AM]: ashlyn omg what is going on  _

_ AK [6:30 AM]: it is 630 in the goddamn morning  _

_ AH [6:31 AM]: right time zones  _

_ AH [6:32 AM]: sorry  _

_ AH [6:33 AM]; i was drinking with chris and i can’t sleep and i miss you and your voice and  _

_ AH [6:33 AM]: can u just call me?  _

_ AH [6:34 AM]: pls i’m not good with words  _

**_Calling Ashlyn Harris_ **

“Are you okay, Ash?” 

“ _ ‘m just sad and lonely and everything is spinnin’. _ ” 

Ali cradled the phone between her shoulder and her ear as she burrowed further beneath her covers. “What’s wrong?” 

“ _ Nothin’ really. Me and Chris were just talkin’ about the future and Al, I can’t see a future without you. I want us to be okay but it’s just hard right now. Sorry, babe.”  _

“Aw, Ash, don’t be sorry. Like yeah, we’re in a weird place right now and everything, but we can fix this, we can fix us. We can talk tomorrow, when it’s not dark outside and you’re not drunk, okay? Sound good?” 

“ _ Yeah, Al, I can do that. Can you just keep talking with me until I fall asleep? _ ” 

“Sure, Ash,” sighed Ali, and so she began to tell Ashlyn in detail of the game against Wolfsburg she had played the day before and before long, Ashlyn’s breathing had leveled out. 

Ali snuggled into her pillow as the call ended and tried to fall back asleep, but her heart was racing with possibilities of the day ahead. 

xx 

And talk they did. But neither was fully happy with the conclusion they had come to. Ashlyn was still worried about the distance and Ali’s commitment. Ali was equally worried about the distance and that Ashlyn was holding some sort of grudge for the past few months.  __

And so, they decided that they would be friends and if they were in the same place for an extended period of time, they would try dating, but maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. 

Ali cried into her pillow until she fell asleep at 3 in the morning. The next day, she would wake with swollen red eyes and the heaviness returned to her shoulders as she recalled Ashlyn saying, “Maybe we missed our chance?”. 

Ashlyn spent hours surfing, well into nightfall until her Gran had spent Chris to retrieve her. Her body ached everywhere. Her knees trembled as Chris guided her back to the house and her bad shoulder felt as if it would fall off with a slight breeze. When Chris tried to ask her what happened, she brushed him off and slinked back to her room. As she fell asleep, all she could think about was Ali saying, “I guess some people are just meant to be friends.” 

Both felt broken, but neither would admit it and they pretended like everything was normal. 

xx 

_ AK [12.10.2011 10:52 AM]: i have some really good news!!  _

_ AK [10:52 AM]: i’ll call as soon as i’m back in frankfurt!!  _

_ AK [10:52 AM]: should be in a few hours  _

_ AH [10:54 AM]: ali!!!  _

_ AH [10:54 AM]: you can’t just do that  _

_ AH [10:54 AM]: also, i’m taking my gran shopping so i dunno when i can talk today  _

_ AK [10:55 AM]: oh fine  _

_ AK [10:55 AM]: but you have to guess  _

_ AH [10:56 AM]: you’re being really annoying  _

_ AH [10:56 AM]: did you score?  _

_ AK [10:57 AM]: nope  _

_ AH [10:57 AM]: did you score an own goal?  _

_ AK [10:58 AM]: first off, rude  _

_ AK [10:58 AM]: secondly, no  _

_ AH [10:59 AM]: you’re adopting a puppy named spike  _

_ AK [11:00 AM]: cute, but no, i wish  _

_ AH [11:01 AM]: i’d adopt a puppy with you _

_ AH [11:01 AM]: okay i give up _

_ AH [11:02 AM]: can you please just tell me? _

_ AH [11:02 AM]: pretty please!!! _

_ AK [11:03 AM]: we’ll revisit the puppy thing later _

_ AK [11:03 AM]: remember how we were talking a few weeks ago about you coming to play in europe?  _

_ AH [11:04 AM]: sure, yeah  _

_ AK [11:05 AM]: duisberg is looking for a new keeper for next season  _

_ AK [11:05 AM]: what do you think??  _

_ AH [11:05 AM]: are you serious?  _

_ AK [11:06 AM]: serious like sirius black  _

_ AH [11:06 AM]: we’re gonna pretend like you didn’t say that  _

_ AH [11:07 AM]: but, like, yes, for sure  _

_ AH [11:07 AM]: should i have my agent reach out to them? _

_ AK [11:08 AM]: i would just wait for now because like according to nadine, they don’t have much in the way of keepers right now and they’ve already been looking at americans and your name came up, so nadine pointed them my way  _

_ AH [11:09 AM]: you better have said nice things  _

_ AK [11:10 AM]: of course, i said you were an amazing keeper and a great teammate and that you were interested in europe  _

_ AK [11:11 AM]: that was it  _

_ AH [11:12 AM]: holy shit, this is amazing  _

_ AH [11:12 AM]: how far is duisberg from frankfurt?  _

_ AK [11:13 AM]: according to sara it’s like 3 hours on the train or bus  _

_ AH [11:14 AM]: wow  _

_ AH [11:14 AM]: we’d be so close  _

_ AK [11:14 AM]: that’s a good thing, right?  _

_ AH [11:14 AM]: the best thing :)  _

xx 

Ali dragged her bag behind her, narrowly avoiding crashing into a very eager German family with bright matching t-shirts. She glanced around for Kyle, but the airport was just so busy. 

And then, there he was with a ridiculous, glitter covered sign that had her name, her number and an appealing number of unicorn stickers. She leapt at him, giving him only a moment to notice her. 

“Hey there, little sis!” He wrapped his arms around her, lifting her a foot off the ground. “Welcome home!” 

“Ahhh, Kyle, I missed you.” 

“It’s not my fault you live across an ocean.” 

She worked her way out of his grip and pressed a quick kiss to his stubbly cheek. “Rude.” 

“The car’s just out front.” 

“Out front? Did somebody else drive you?” 

“Okay, now, Ali, please don’t be mad at me. I know you two have been working on things and are talking and all. And you seem pretty happy about it. So when she called and asked what flight you were on, I thought you’d appreciate seeing her before Mom sucks you into her winter wonderland. And also, she has a much cooler car than Mom. Like, Al, I’m not gonna drive a sedan. I have some standard.” 

“What are you going on… Ash?” 

Sure enough, there was Ashlyn, leaning against her Jeep, looking the same as she had a month ago, just with a brighter smile. “Hey, Alex.” 

(Ashlyn, for her part, had arguably a more taxing journey to the airport than Ali. In retrospect, she should’ve expected nothing less from Kyle Krieger. He had posed it as a fun, little surprise for his sister. 

It had quickly turned out to be a long form interrogation about her intentions towards his sister. 

“I love her, god damnit, Kyle. I am so, so, so in love with her.” 

“Oh good.” 

He had then proceeded to detail the various creative ways he could maim her with just items from his salon.

It was terrifying.) 

“Oh my god, you’re here!” Ali squealed, covering her mouth with her hands. “I can’t believe you two. This is amazing.” 

“I thought you’d like to see your best friend,” said Kyle, looking all too pleased with himself. Ali glanced away at the term ‘best friend’; it felt too small and narrow to describe how she felt about Ashlyn. 

Your best friend didn’t make your heart beat like a humming bird’s wings. Your best friend didn’t make you want to stay up late, waiting into the middle of the night to hear her surfing stories, just because you liked the sound of her voice. Your best friend’s smile didn’t put the stars in sky. 

Unbeknownst to Ali, Ashlyn also looked away in distress. 

“Thanks, Kyle. This means a lot.” She turned to Ashlyn, and said, “And thank you for putting up with him. Now, I don’t suppose we could get breakfast before we go back to Mom’s. Airplane food should be outlawed. It’s a crime.” 

Kyle ruffled her hair while Ashlyn tossed her bag in the back of the car. “Of course, Princess Ali.” 

“Only Ash gets to call me Princess.” It was out her mouth before her brain even recognize it as a thought. Maybe there was a flight to Japan Ali could just hop on and never return. But Ashlyn didn’t seem to have heard by some sort of Christmas miracle. 

That didn’t stop Kyle from leaning in and whispering, “That’s gay, Ali.” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, so this is like one-third of what was originally planned. initially, this chapter was gonna take us through most of january 2012, but it kind of ran away from me, so there will be two more chapters, rather than just one - i think. kind of fitting to have 11 chapters, if you ask me. 
> 
> i absolutely adore all of your comments and i try to get to them as soon as possible. 
> 
> would people perhaps be interested in a series of one-shots about 2012 and/or how they got together in this universe?
> 
> lmk in the comments pls. 
> 
> also holy crap we're over 200 kudos - cannot believe it team. 
> 
> much love,
> 
> b 
> 
> p.s. the link about veggie thanksgiving is a live link from 2011 - my research is impeccable.


End file.
